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Post by me on May 4, 2007 23:05:11 GMT -5
The man looked up at him, and to his horror he saw that the man had neither eyes nor mouth, instead a seamless wall of skin covered these features. Then slowly the mans features began to slowly assert themselves, almost as if an artist was only then adding the finishing touches to a master piece. Slowly the man began to take shape, and the artist’s deft strokes were revealed.
One eye was a piercing shade of blue. It seemed to stare straight through him, gazing into a space miles beyond his comprehension. The other was a black hole, darker then the void of space. Planets and stars seemed to be pulled from existence into the depths of the mans black eye.
His mouth was draw like a mask beneath an understated nose, one half flew upward into a maniacal grin, but the other half sunk into a depressive frown. The weights of the world and all its troubles, as well as the heights of Mount Olympus were pictured in the mask.
Shadows began to fall across the mans face obscuring all his features, the shadows seemed to appear by magic. The massive black and white wings fluttered casting shadows, as well as rays of light across the infinity surrounding them. It was only then that he noticed that his own great black wings had sprouted from his back in a spray of feathers. He felt whispers float through the air around him, and then the man finally spoke.
“So you have passed their test, I should have expected it. Though you did make one mistake, it is called the Great Pumpkin, not the grand one.”
He could only stare at the odd man. The man had appeared from no where, and then been created before his eyes, then he decided that he could correct all of his mistakes. It was maddening, though everything else today had been.
“Who are you?”
“The obvious question first, though I must say I expected more. Fine I guess I shall answer then, I am what I always have been.”
“God?”
“Both the lord and the devil, light as well as darkness. Everything that was good is a part of me, and all the evil in the word resides within me.”
“I notice you haven’t given me an answer.”
The man seemed to smile, though the frozen muscles of his face failed to convey this. Instead he saw satisfaction dancing behind the eyes of the man, “I am Abraxas.”
“Abraxas?” he’d never heard of that word before, but he could feel the sense of power behind it. It seemed as if the word itself was designed to mean everything.
“I have already told you the meaning of the word, unless you were foolish enough to ignore me there shouldn’t be any confusion.”
“Fine, now what do you want with me?”
“That is a question that will change your life; the answer will change the very fabric of your existence. Do you feel that you’re ready for this to happen?”
Before he could even begin to think about the question the man, Abraxas, continued, “The answer will be yes, and in time you shall understand why.”
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Post by Dagothkitty on May 5, 2007 12:21:37 GMT -5
Good job me. Well done describing the features of the Abaraxas.
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Post by me on Jun 12, 2007 23:48:05 GMT -5
Thank you Been kicking that idea around for a while, buit never got a chance to use it until now For those who don't know. Abraxas is the name for a god who contains both good and evil. Sorta, he is the lord of all contrasts. Anyway waiting for Uesugi's comment before updating =_=
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etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Post by etherealshadow on Aug 2, 2007 1:19:16 GMT -5
ok. you told me to rip apart one of your stories, not sure how much I will find, but here goes!! **************
Another day of school. that could be made stronger
He had been assaulted by a deluge of homework, and they hadn't even reached lunch yet. When he finally did reach fourth period something strange happened. comma after fourth and using the second rech seems repetative, but that could just be me
It was rare, but it happened every once and a while try replacing and with in, it flows kind of wierd
Everything seemed a strange mix of slow motion, and of time racing along. no comma
He didn't know how long the motion had rally taken, and for what remained of his life never would really not rally, and the second half of this sentace is a bit confusing
The only thing he saw was a flash, before his hands came up to protect his face no comma
He had quickly stabilized into a coma, and when he had reached the hospital he was breathing deeply, despite the blood that continued to leak from his arm and head. get rid of had
No one had expected much from the boy. Death in several days, and if he was lucky a coma that would last years. Though that seemed nigh impossible with the doctors refusal to treat the boy. try changing boy with him
I was shot wasn't I. question mark and maybe comma after shot
He knew the pain wasn't being suppressed, because he could easily feel the needles piercing his arm. if he can feel needles piercing his arm, shouldnt he think it is being suppressed?
It was then that something intruded on his musings. It was a machine hooked up to him, but why was it beeping. question mark at the end, get rid of it was then and comma instead of period.
That was odd in itself, but he also noticed one more thing. There was no way he could have seen what he had, because the nurses gown covered every inch of skin possible. comma instead of period and... that one line bugs me. That was odd in itself, but he also noticed one more thing. not really sure how you woudl change it though
You use only in here alot, gets kind of repetitive
The doctors had been amazed because he had been in perfect health, not even a scar remained maybe... the doctors were amazed at his perfect health,
Scars, that looked as if people had tried to cut their wings off, no comma after scars
He saw something weird. could be stronger
He felt as if he was locked in a cage, with the answers to these riddles placed just out of his reach. again, the comma
He once again twitched the muscle, and saw the wing twitch once more maybe he twitched his muscle again,
He wouldn’t be able to find out, until tomorrow, but for now, all he could do was sleep. no comma after now and replace but with so
Eagles and hawks appeared; each seemed ready to attack the raven. To attack him, and in the morning he awoke confused. use a coma instead of a period after raven and a beriod after him. get rid of the extra and after him
Walking through the crowded streets, he noticed that few people seemed to notice him whatsoever. no whatsoever and maybe an even after to
Each in the place of wings, self inflicted in whatever way these people could find. switch these two sentances
Finally after walking about a mile he saw an oddity. comma after mile
He reached a park where he saw a small group of people, who sat apart from the rest, who each had the same wings sprouting from their backs. hm. no comma, sitting apart form the rest, and swith each and who
Then he noticed something else about the wing. It was a rainbow of colors, each feather different from the others. no then, comma instead of period and rest instead of others
The man with the rainbow wings turned to follow the path that his wing, maybe either his wing had taken or of instead of that
It reached him, and it pulsed slightly. no it
A subtle twitch of a wing told him to follow them. wasnt he already told to follow?
He followed as they walked what seemed to be another half mile, 'till they reached an abandoned garage. the 'till seems out of place
He could only see a small portion of the garage. Only the nondescript gray concrete floors stretching out into infinite darkness, and the gate that had fallen shut behind him. comma not period
He felt his senses die slowly, as a a supernatural cold seemed to stretch from the wing. only one a
hoping the answer would be yes. that seems rather redundant
"So what are you going to do?" its a bit unclear whos saying this, at least to me
He grasped the iron bars that created the gate, and felt the rough iron bars grate against his skin. dont use gate a second time here
Finally he saw the speaker a man who's features were mostly hidden in the darkness, but he could see one thing clearly. comma after speaker
*********** so i was so nit picky, but you asked for it *smiles* this is one of my favorite stories from you actually.
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Post by me on Aug 2, 2007 21:28:10 GMT -5
Well looks like there was more wrong then I thought.... Though things like the first one were for the stories flow... Ah well...=_= Thanks
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etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Post by etherealshadow on Aug 3, 2007 0:18:31 GMT -5
sure, anytime ;D i like to rip things apart, i just feel bad about it
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Post by me on Aug 3, 2007 0:46:12 GMT -5
Well dont!
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etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Post by etherealshadow on Aug 3, 2007 3:18:26 GMT -5
i cant help it! its my stupid abnormally large consience, i feel bad whenever i do somethign that coudl even potentionally hurt soemoens feelings *cryign*
but i look forward to tearing apart another
GAH!! i didnt see the entry ont eh second page!!
*heh he hehh*
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etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Post by etherealshadow on Aug 20, 2007 14:49:12 GMT -5
The man looked up at him, and to his horror he saw that the man had neither eyes nor mouth, instead a seamless wall of skin covered these features try replacing the second the man with he
Then slowly the mans features began to slowly assert themselves, no second slowly
almost as if an artist was only then adding the finishing touches to a master piece. this line kinda bugs me, but i dont see how you would change it
Slowly the man began to take shape, and the artist’s deft strokes were revealed. perhaps something other then slowly?
His mouth was draw like a mask beneath an understated nose, drawn?
Shadows began to fall across the mans face obscuring all his features, the shadows seemed to appear by magic. this second half seems like a seperate idea. like its tacked on
The massive black and white wings fluttered casting shadows, as well as rays of light across the infinity surrounding them. maybe the massive black and white wings flutterd, casting shadows and rays of light across the infinity surrounding them
It was only then that he noticed that his own great black wings had sprouted from his back in a spray of feathers. He felt whispers float through the air around him, and then the man finally spoke. too many thens and thats
woot. i like this story. keep it up
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Post by me on Aug 20, 2007 23:46:30 GMT -5
You're still ripping it apart Wow, I must have done a bad job
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Post by Khornate Marksman on Aug 24, 2007 0:20:20 GMT -5
Me this is interesting. I only read the stuff on the first page, but don't worry. I'll be reading the rest.
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Post by me on Aug 24, 2007 0:24:49 GMT -5
Thanks I really need to start writing again...
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Post by Khornate Marksman on Aug 24, 2007 0:31:24 GMT -5
Yeah, I've picked up the flow again and I plan to continue since I can't play my Xbox 360 right no
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Post by me on Aug 24, 2007 0:34:13 GMT -5
Ah, well...I guess an update instead of a short story will be on the horizon for me Good to see your writing again Hound, its been far to long without you
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Post by Khornate Marksman on Aug 24, 2007 0:40:31 GMT -5
Yeah, I know. I still don't have much of an idea of what has happened while I've been gone, but I'm sure I'll find out soon enough. Anyway I plan on writing and commenting more, so you an others will see my name leaving comments more often, lmao.
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