Mr. Bubbles
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Post by Mr. Bubbles on Jun 25, 2007 16:24:43 GMT -5
Alright, thanks. I'll try and remember to do that.
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Mr. Bubbles
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Post by Mr. Bubbles on Jul 1, 2007 3:50:32 GMT -5
"Okay," Andrew began, "We're going to try for the Keep. If we can't get in, then we'll head for the nearest gate. Stay close, and keep quiet." When all of them nodded in assent - well, most of them - he crept quietly through the flowers that made up the beginning of the Garden toward the city. At the edge of the Garden he turned and waited for the others, keeping behind the nearest building. When they arrived, he whispered "Erik, Sam and I will take a look around. We'll come back in a half hour. If any of us aren't back by then . . ." he left the rest unsaid and turned to Jimmy. "Jimmy, you're in charge until I return." Hardly waiting for the others assenting nods, he took off, peaking around the right side of the building. Nothing moved.
Still, he hesitated. The road was littered with corpses, human and monster alike lying broken on the ground. After checking the shadows again - thoroughly - he set off silently down the road. The black fire he had seen was everywhere, though there was nothing left for it to burn other than the dead. Those, it did not seem to touch. Andrew shuddered and wrenched his gaze from the fire, toward the corpse of an archer. I need a bow, he thought, and crept to the body. He took the longbow and quiver from the dead man, making a sign to ward off evil with his left hand.
After checking for movement yet again, Andrew set off. For nearly ten more minutes he found nothing, though he did avoid entering the buildings, when suddenly something moved in one of the windows of a burned out inn. Andrew paused in the shadows, wondering what it was. Maybe someone escaped the slaughter. He doubted it. Slowly, cautiously, he made his way toward the inn. Before he could reach the door, though, something came out of it. Andrew froze behind the overturned cart he was hiding behind, staring at the thing in the doorway.
It looked like a wolf, if wolves ever stood on their hind legs. It towered head and shoulders over his not inconsiderable six-foot-five-inches. The things eyes seemed to glow golden in the moonlight, and its muzzle was locked in a silent snarl. The thing raised its nose and sniffed the air, then growled, turning toward Andrews hiding spot.
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Post by Uesugi on Jul 1, 2007 8:40:52 GMT -5
Now, perhaps I am tired... But it seems fairly error-free. Good work. One thing: I would suggest making the first paragraph into two. It would flow better. I would also say don't capitalize garden, simply because I don't think it would be used as the exact name of the place... Also, the "Andres" in the last paragraph should be "Andrew's"
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Post by Adifferentcity on Jul 1, 2007 20:29:27 GMT -5
Very good, hamn. It's good to know you haven't stopped writing. I look forward to the next update.
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Mr. Bubbles
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Post by Mr. Bubbles on Jul 1, 2007 20:34:06 GMT -5
Thank you. And I capitalize the G in garden because it has a title. I just haven't mentioned it yet. Thanks for your criticism, I'll try to go for no mistakes next time.
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Mr. Bubbles
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Post by Mr. Bubbles on Jul 1, 2007 23:23:36 GMT -5
The huge wolf - Andrew couldn't describe as anything but - walked out of the doorway. It paused in the middle of the road, never taking its eyes from the cart. Walking slowly toward the car, it smelled the air again. And stopped. It tilted its head to one side and stood there, in what seemed to be indecision.
Andrew eased his sword in its sheath - it was to close for the bow - and waited. For a moment it just stared. Then it tilted its head back and howled. From various places around the city more wolves answered, the sound echoing and growing in the shattered remains of the city. It only lasted moments, yet it seemed a lifetime before the wolf dropped its gaze back to the cart and the sound died off, leaving only echoes, a pack of phantom wolves howling in the night.
Andrew stood frozen, feet cemented to the ground. How many of the things were in the city? He noticed that the sound of battle had stopped. Before he could wonder about that, he noticed the wolf gesturing for him to come out. He could hardly stop from gaping at it. It stood patiently, waiting for him. Just standing there.
Andrew stayed where he was. After all, hadn't it come with the Wraiths? But if it had, why hadn't it tried to kill him yet? Or was the howl to bring more of them? For some reason he didn't believe that. It gestured again, a little less patiently. Andrew decided to go to it.
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Post by Uesugi on Jul 3, 2007 20:27:08 GMT -5
Short, but fairly decent. I actually have nothing to gripe about, amazingly, though I would question the man's character if he goes traipsing off to wolves... But that will be revealed in the coming updates, I assume? And, even if it does have a name, garden would still be lower-case. We don't write 'City', now do we?
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Mr. Bubbles
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Post by Mr. Bubbles on Jul 3, 2007 21:59:53 GMT -5
No, a title, like, say,'Garden of Life' or something. But whatever, I wont use the title. It's not really important. And thank you for the not hating my story thing.
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Post by Mr. Bubbles on Jul 7, 2007 4:24:57 GMT -5
Andrew walked slowly around the cart, hand hovering near the hilt of his sword. In the back of his mind, thoughts raced. Was he mad to be going to this . . . this . . . thing? He must be. There was no other explanation. After all, it had surely come with the Wraiths. Hadn't it? It had come at the same time. There is a limit to how far one should believe in coincidence. But it hadn't tried to kill him, as the Wraith had. If he hadn't woken up, it would have. Come to think of it, why had he woken up? The Wraith had made no noise.
He realized he was only feet from the wolf and snapped back to the present, cursing himself for allowing himself to grow distracted with the monstrous wolf so close. Not that he really believed it would harm him, but better safe than sorry. He looked up into the wolfs glowing golden eyes. It motioned for him to follow and started down the street. Andrew never even considered not following.
Andrew had to jog to keep up with the wolfs long strides as they set off down the rode. He kept his eyes on its back, shying away from even the thought of looking at the death and destruction that surrounded him. For what seemed like hours to Andrew they made their way unmolested. Then the wolf stopped so suddenly that Andrew nearly walked into it. It growled in a way that made the hairs on the back of Andrews neck try to stand on end. He noticed that he had drawn his sword, but he didn't care.
He looked at a blackened building, knowing that something . . . wrong . . . was in there. He did not know how he knew, nor did he care overly much at that moment. All that mattered was staying away from that building. Even the Wraith hadn't evoked this feeling of fear. The wolf motioned for him to stay behind it, and for the first time Andrew noticed that it was staring - well, glaring - at the building as well. But not with the fear that Andrew felt down to the core of his being. With rage. With hate.
The wolf started backing away slowly, pushing Andrew back with one hand. Eyes glued to the building, he hardly noticed. When the front door of the building started to open, Andrew felt another rush of fear. He was shivering. He wanted to flee from whatever was in the building, but he was sure that that would change nothing. It would still kill him.
When it stepped out of the door, he felt nearly relieved. At least it would be over soon. He couldn't tell what it looked like. His eyes just seemed to slide off of it, unable to hold it's image. Andrew was very thankful for that. He very much did not want to know what it looked like.
Before he or the wolf could do so much as blink, it waved its hand. That was all it did, yet with a deafening roar, lightning struck in between Andrew and the wolf. A blinding light engulfed his vision and the world tilted, throwing him away. He seemed to float for a moment, until something crashed into his back. It took him a moment to realize that it was the ground he had hit. All that he could see was white. His body was a mass of pain, but it seemed distant, as if it were happening to someone else, not him.
His couldn't seem to think. His mind was fogged over, thought and feeling distant. His vision started to narrow, blackness overtaking the white until finally, mercifully, he fell unconscious.
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Post by Uesugi on Jul 7, 2007 11:05:41 GMT -5
After all, it had surely come with the Wraiths. Hadn't it? Merge with comma. Andrew had to jog to keep up with the wolfs Wolf's as they set off down the rode He rode down the road. nor did he care overly much at that moment Pick something better. at the building as well. But not with the fear that Andrew felt down to the core of his being. With rage. With hate. Not important, but helpful... Combine all four of these with commas, and put a 'but' in front of the first 'with'. pushing Andrew back with one hand. Wolf-creatures have hands?
To me, your story just doesn't feel that it's moving along as it could. Go into a few more details, immerse us in the world. Otherwise, I enjoyed it. Can't wait for the next update.
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Mr. Bubbles
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Post by Mr. Bubbles on Jul 7, 2007 11:19:51 GMT -5
Yeah, sorry about the mistakes, but I was barely awake. The only reason I am now is because I have to babysit my sister. I'll try to go through my story when I'm more awake and fix some things. And yes, werewolves (which it might as well be, even if I decide not to name it that) have hands. Fuzzy and clawed, yes, but hands none the less.
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Post by Uesugi on Jul 7, 2007 14:29:23 GMT -5
Then call it a werewolf, and not a wolf.
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Mr. Bubbles
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Post by Mr. Bubbles on Jul 7, 2007 14:45:11 GMT -5
But the character doesn't know that name. He has never seen anything like it, and it obviously isn't a myth, or he would have put a name to it like he did the Wraith.
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Post by Uesugi on Jul 7, 2007 14:50:24 GMT -5
We tend to put generalizations on things... If I see something that looks like a giant bug, I'll call it that, regardless of if I know what it is or isn't. He doesn't have to call it a bloody werewolf, hell, wolf-man might work better, but calling it a wolf simply leads to confusion to the reader and in this case seems entirely inaccurate.
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Mr. Bubbles
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Post by Mr. Bubbles on Jul 7, 2007 15:35:56 GMT -5
Meh. Wolf-man sounds stupid to me, I explained that it walks on 2 legs, and my list of creative names is surprisingly short. Besides, I doubt anyone would have the presence of mind then to come up with a witty substitute name for anything, let alone a giant wolf that stands on 2 legs.
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