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Post by Uesugi on Jul 31, 2007 17:36:01 GMT -5
I hear them scream and move on, satisfied. Consider changing to make it a bit more clear. Though I am nearly out of the halls of this once haven like school, Consider revising to make it flow a bit better. The water falls in too heavilly, to quickly. heavily, too purpousfully Purposefully putting it on my middle finger. It made a lovely tinkling sound when moved. I've never heard of a ring making noise. *shakes hand* Nope. Revise that, or change it in some way. I clutch now at the emptiness around my neck, wishing I could hear its bells clanging as Cal shook with his laughter. A ring on a chain is no bell, and it wouldn't fit on a finger. You are confusing this one. and screamed with renewed torment. Most of your story is present tense. Your memories are past tense. This phrase, however, should be present.
Well, it would have been nice if you at least posted you were modifying the first post extensively, but oh well. You have a few consistency errors with the ring/necklace/bell. I understand a ring being a necklace, but not a bell... I think you change it well for the most part. The line stating it was a school seemed tacked on. I would consider changing that some, make it feel more... Eh... Much more real. Also, try using some stronger words. Vary your word choice, etc. otherwise, good job. Draft two looks quite nice.
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etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Post by etherealshadow on Jul 31, 2007 17:44:48 GMT -5
wow, was that all you found? grr!!! i told you to rip it apart!!
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Post by me on Jul 31, 2007 17:49:40 GMT -5
It has few mistakes now =_+We can't rip it apart any more then we have
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etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Post by etherealshadow on Jul 31, 2007 17:55:10 GMT -5
ah k, thanks Uesugi. hm. maybe ill post it in a reply then, instead of just modifying it
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Post by me on Jul 31, 2007 17:57:06 GMT -5
Or post something saying you modified it
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etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Post by etherealshadow on Jul 31, 2007 17:57:22 GMT -5
how would you suggest altering the bells then? i have no idea
mkay, is updated accept for the ring issue. for which i am awating helpful hint to spark imagination.
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Post by me on Jul 31, 2007 18:07:57 GMT -5
*Cough* He isn't here right now, please leave a message after the beep
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Post by Uesugi on Jul 31, 2007 18:55:26 GMT -5
Change it into a small, ornate bell that can be placed on a chain... Or perhaps remove the noise it makes entirely. It didn't seem all that relevant.
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etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Post by etherealshadow on Jul 31, 2007 19:16:13 GMT -5
i suppose its not, though now i would need a new tittle
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Post by Uesugi on Jul 31, 2007 19:21:05 GMT -5
Or, in your next draft, you can change it to a bell, and make the sound incredibly important...?
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etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Post by etherealshadow on Jul 31, 2007 19:24:44 GMT -5
got rid of the bells, it makes more sense now. gah, im bad with tittles. lets see...
?
how that
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