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Post by dogonda on Sept 26, 2006 18:38:48 GMT -5
Something I wrote in study hall, i hope you all enjoy.
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Post by DEATH97 on Sept 26, 2006 18:41:47 GMT -5
Awaits eagerly
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Post by dogonda on Sept 26, 2006 19:37:30 GMT -5
Renam woke with a start, his icy blue eyes wide and shinning. He stood slowly, rubbing the stiffness from his joints and muscles. The moon rose softly from the Lake, like blood about to splatter. "I got to get out of here..." he whispers to himself, his scratchy clothes annoying him. Turning quickly, his foot smashes into the table. "BYE THE NINE!" he roars, red clouding his vision. Picking it up with a grunt he heaves it into the wall. The wood impacts the wall, snapping loudly.
"My your a angry one." a high pitched voice sounds from across the dank corrider. A candle bursts into life, the light falling onto a Dunmer face. He stares at you with gaunt cheeks, his face ragged in the dim light. "Even from a Breton that was pathetic. If it was a noble Dunmer, we would barely have to exert ourselves at all to destroy that mock of engineering. Probably built by some scum Argonian, thats why we let them go without a fight you see, they are shoddy slaves, better than Bretons though." he spurns on a, a small smile flickering. "How could you allow yourself to be caught! You are easily the worst magician spawned from that hell of High Rock." He rambles on.
"By the nine Dreth shut up!" Renam screams, his face contorting with anger. Throwing himself into the bars he tries to wrench them apart futily. Suddenly the door creaks open and a sound of heavy plate armor clanking resounds down the stairs.
"Looks like your going to die Breton! My your first day here and already your noose is tightened, I haven't been this lucky since I had the privelige of meeting your mother!" Dreth cackles. 2 men and a women run down the stairs, their weapons drawn, blood dripping from their blades. Their golden, fine armor dented. That must have been some fight, Renam thinks to himself slowly.
Suddenly a white haired man descends the stairs regally. His violent robes contrast from the shambeled walls, a fine silver shortsword glinting. But what draws Renam's eyes the most is the enormous ruby pendant around his neck. Feeling a wave of magicka pour off of it, he feels his power slowly return to him, the shackles crackling underneath his wrists.
"You, Breton, up against the wall or you will die, got it." the female nord snaps at Renam, her hand on the hilt of the katana. Recoling, he backs up to the wall, his back brushing his back of the cool stone. The other guards rush into the room, a redguard locking the door behind him.
"They're going to kill you Breton scum!" Dreth says hysterically from the opposite cell, his face contorted into a wild grin.
"Who are you?" Renam says wonderingly, his eyes seeing from the armor and weaponry that they were made in the Akiviri design and specifications. Slowly the women turns to you and laughs.
"We're the blades, we protect the Emporer and his heirs from attacks. We failed 3 out of the 4 times, but we're not going to fail the most important time." The women says calmly, here blue eyes clear and hopeful. She stares down at the wall and pushes, the brick sliding in. Suddenly the wall behind Renam grinds down, making a loud and screeching noise. Falling, Renam catches his balacence to the amusement of the guards. After the dust settles, Renam turns his attention town the tunnel. Craved carefully, it is covered with dust and cobwebs.
"Todays a good day for you. Your getting out of jail." The redguard says grinning, slapping Renam on his back. Slowly the guards march down the stairs surrounding the Emporer.
"Wait! What about me!" Dreth wails, trying to squeeze through the bars feebly. "Cfesk, please get me out of here, i dont want to die..." he says, pleading at Renam his crisomon eyes filled with tears.
"Sorry, I'm not a skilled enough spell caster to get you of there." Renam says grinning and follows down the path. Dreth screams and pounds on the bars, his fits splitting open and blood coating the bars.
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Post by dogonda on Sept 26, 2006 20:00:21 GMT -5
bump
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Post by Maliku on Sept 26, 2006 20:02:18 GMT -5
Haha, I loved it.
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Post by DEATH97 on Sept 27, 2006 20:47:05 GMT -5
A recreation of the Main Quest. Bold, and very well done.
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Valgaera
Inactive Member
I am the Light within the Darkness
Je suis le Lumi?re dans l'Obscurit
Posts: 124
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Post by Valgaera on Sept 27, 2006 21:32:42 GMT -5
Loved. It. Quite. Good. Nice, stylized recreation of the opening scenes. I like his "view" of Lake Rumane. Adds more realism. Are you going to run him through the sewers too? Or just have him walk out the now open cell?
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Post by OGRenderence on Sept 27, 2006 21:48:04 GMT -5
Dexter hails Legacy of the Betrayer as:
"Better then beating Rebel with a baseball bat. Over and over and over again."
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Post by Delta1212 on Sept 28, 2006 18:53:36 GMT -5
Before I start, let me just say, I did like it. Well, you asked for it, so here I go:
Renam woke with a start, his icy blue eyes wide and shinning. He stood slowly, rubbing the stiffness from his joints and muscles. The moon rose softly from the Lake, like blood about to splatter. "I got to get out of here..." he whispers to himself, his scratchy clothes annoying him. Turning quickly, his foot smashes into the table. "BYE THE NINE!" he roars, red clouding his vision. Picking it up with a grunt he heaves it into the wall. The wood impacts the wall, snapping loudly.
Ok, this is good start. Good: Nice intro sentence; a fairly good simile; small insignificant details add nice depth. Needs Fixing: "BY THE NINE!" not BYE; actually that's it for this part.
"My your a angry one." a high pitched voice sounds from across the dank corrider. A candle bursts into life, the light falling onto a Dunmer face. He stares at you with gaunt cheeks, his face ragged in the dim light. "Even from a Breton that was pathetic. If it was a noble Dunmer, we would barely have to exert ourselves at all to destroy that mock of engineering. Probably built by some scum Argonian, thats why we let them go without a fight you see, they are shoddy slaves, better than Bretons though." he spurns on a, a small smile flickering. "How could you allow yourself to be caught! You are easily the worst magician spawned from that hell of High Rock." He rambles on.
Good: again, good description (from now on, I'll only do "Good" if there is something specific I want to point out). Needs Fixing: "...angry one," a high; switched to second person for one sentence in a third person narrative; that mock of engineering- awkward usage, perhaps "mockery" would be better; he spurns on a, a small smile flickering.- That whole sentence needs fixing, "spurns" is used incorrectly, "he" should be capitalized, and there is that weird moment with the comma in the middle;
"By the nine Dreth shut up!" Renam screams, his face contorting with anger. Throwing himself into the bars he tries to wrench them apart futily. Suddenly the door creaks open and a sound of heavy plate armor clanking resounds down the stairs.
No comment
"Looks like your going to die Breton! My your first day here and already your noose is tightened, I haven't been this lucky since I had the privelige of meeting your mother!" Dreth cackles. 2 men and a women run down the stairs, their weapons drawn, blood dripping from their blades. Their golden, fine armor dented. That must have been some fight, Renam thinks to himself slowly.
NF: noose is tightened. I haven't; Two men- never use numerals unless a number is three or more digits
Suddenly a white haired man descends the stairs regally. His violent robes contrast from the shambeled walls, a fine silver shortsword glinting. But what draws Renam's eyes the most is the enormous ruby pendant around his neck. Feeling a wave of magicka pour off of it, he feels his power slowly return to him, the shackles crackling underneath his wrists.
NF: First two sentences are awkward, and don't put "from" after contrast in this instance, it doesn't work; Last sentence uses "feel" twice, not wrong, but I'd try to vary my diction a bit more, especially within a sentence
"You, Breton, up against the wall or you will die, got it." the female nord snaps at Renam, her hand on the hilt of the katana. Recoling, he backs up to the wall, his back brushing his back of the cool stone. The other guards rush into the room, a redguard locking the door behind him.
NF: got it," the female nord; his back brushing his back of the cool stone.- fix that; door behind him.- I know you mean the Redguard, but I still think it should be "them" though I could be wrong in this case, I admit
"They're going to kill you Breton scum!" Dreth says hysterically from the opposite cell, his face contorted into a wild grin.
No comment
"Who are you?" Renam says wonderingly, his eyes seeing from the armor and weaponry that they were made in the Akiviri design and specifications. Slowly the women turns to you and laughs.
NF: his eyes seeing from the armor and weaponry that they were made in the Akiviri design and specifications.- I'd say, "observing that the weapons and armor were of Akaviri design."; Switched to second person again there at the end.
"We're the blades, we protect the Emporer and his heirs from attacks. We failed 3 out of the 4 times, but we're not going to fail the most important time." The women says calmly, here blue eyes clear and hopeful. She stares down at the wall and pushes, the brick sliding in. Suddenly the wall behind Renam grinds down, making a loud and screeching noise. Falling, Renam catches his balacence to the amusement of the guards. After the dust settles, Renam turns his attention town the tunnel. Craved carefully, it is covered with dust and cobwebs.
NF: again, don't use numerals; but we're not going to fail the most important time."- I'd say, "but we won't fail now, when it's most important" because, again, you used "time" more than once in a sentence (No, it's not always a bad thing, but in this case, it is); important time," The women says; attention down the tunnel. Carved carefully- watch your spelling.
"Todays a good day for you. Your getting out of jail." The redguard says grinning, slapping Renam on his back. Slowly the guards march down the stairs surrounding the Emporer.
NF: Today's a good day; You're getting out of jail; Emperor
"Wait! What about me!" Dreth wails, trying to squeeze through the bars feebly. "Cfesk, please get me out of here, i dont want to die..." he says, pleading at Renam his crisomon eyes filled with tears.
?:Cfesk. NF: I don't want; crimson eyes
"Sorry, I'm not a skilled enough spell caster to get you of there." Renam says grinning and follows down the path. Dreth screams and pounds on the bars, his fits splitting open and blood coating the bars.
NF: clean up the last sentence a tad, it could flow better
Overall, I must say that I'm impressed. Your writing has definitely improved while I've been gone. I already knew that, of course, but it doesn't hurt to reiterate what I've said previously.
Just make sure you watch out for spelling mistakes (there are some that I missed and I don't have the patience to go back and weed them all out) and that you don't slip into second person. You are especially susceptible to this because you started with CYOAs
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Post by Dagothkitty on Sept 29, 2006 20:54:03 GMT -5
I loved it!
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Post by dogonda on Oct 3, 2006 17:31:10 GMT -5
-opens laptop lid and gets to work-
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Valgaera
Inactive Member
I am the Light within the Darkness
Je suis le Lumi?re dans l'Obscurit
Posts: 124
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Post by Valgaera on Oct 5, 2006 18:24:33 GMT -5
*pokes Dagonda till he finishes*
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Post by dogonda on Oct 5, 2006 18:29:21 GMT -5
lol, you actually like this one?
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Post by Maliku on Oct 5, 2006 19:32:43 GMT -5
I think you could just add segments in this every day or so.
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Post by Dagothkitty on Oct 13, 2006 14:57:55 GMT -5
yes.
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