Umaril
Rookie
[M:0]
Posts: 1,045
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Post by Umaril on Jan 13, 2007 13:43:04 GMT -5
Yawn!
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Post by Abaddon on Jan 21, 2007 1:55:49 GMT -5
Patience, Grasshoppers.
Uesugi Don't be so critical, I'm doing this all from memory.
Chapter one: Humble Beginnings.
Reno Comarion was a farmboy. His Father was a farmer. His Grandfather was a farmer. Reno could cut Bungler's Bane from a tree better than any boy in Seyda Neen. He could harvest scrib jelly. However like most sixteen year olds, he yearned for more. He wanted to be a Arena combatant or a travel to daedric ruin. He wanted to be something, anything. One day, invariably he got his wish.
Reno was spying on a crab at the moment and was quietly aiming his bow. He pulled back the string and let it fly. His aim was true and the poor crab was speared with an arrow.
He was advancing upon the crab, trying to harvest some tender crab meat when a pair of Imperial Guard advanced behind him. One of the guards put his steel gloved hand on Reno's shoulder. Reno spun around and almost knocked into them.
One of the Guard held up a scroll. Reno squinted at it. It Said
Reno Comarion wanted dead or alive for killing a Redoran nobleman. Penalty is life in prison. The Bounty is unpayable
Signed King Hilallu Helseth
One of the Guards said "Its not very often the King himself signs a warrant"
Reno was about to plead his innocence when they grabbed his wrists. "It doesn't matter" he thought. "They probably wouldn't believe me anyway."
Reno glanced at their Imperial swords and quickly gave himself up. He dropped his bow and took one last look at the mudcrab's corpse.The guard put his hands behind his back and skirted him off to Castle Ebonheart.
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Post by me on Jan 21, 2007 2:40:48 GMT -5
FInally. That being said FINALLY!
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Post by uesugi on Jan 21, 2007 3:09:35 GMT -5
I'll be as critical as I please <_< Just do some research if you need to. Otherwise... Please update quicker.
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Post by Abaddon on Jan 21, 2007 14:30:15 GMT -5
:C I searched those texts and ic ouldn't find anything on the underking.
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Post by Dagothkitty on Jan 21, 2007 14:33:04 GMT -5
I like ebonheart. I like it.
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Post by uesugi on Jan 21, 2007 14:34:45 GMT -5
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Post by Abaddon on Jan 21, 2007 14:53:48 GMT -5
Chapter two: Ally?
Reno didn't like prison. The food was horrid, the guards were worse, jeering at him at every opportunity. He wished he had an opportunity to proclaim his innocence, but if the King Helseth said he was guilty, he was guilty. He wondered what he had done to the king do deserve such a thing.
One day, during his one hour of fitness,Reno was staring at the clouds, wishing to be one, free to roam as he saw fit. A thick imperial sat next to him. "You are from Seyda Neen?" He asked gruffly.
Reno swallowed. "Y-y-Yes, Sir" He stammered.
The man looked at him in wonder. "Remove your tunic" He ordered. Reno did as he instructed, his dunmer skin was laid with scars from animals and thorns from gathering Gold kanet. The man look at the his bare shoulder. He was probably looking at his birthmark. A perfect diamond shape on his shoulder.
The man gasped openly and bowed. "Our Saviour!" He said.
Reno wondered if the man was crazy. The man's features changed again. There were now brooding. "I'm Mandrin." He said.
Mandrin pointed at Reno's chest. "You will save us from him" He said.
Reno asked "Who is him? Who is us?"
Mandrin looked around and said "The Underking, and all of Tamriel."
Reno's mouth fell open. He was sure this man was crazy.
"Sit down" Mandrin said "I'm going to you a story"
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Post by uesugi on Jan 21, 2007 15:00:02 GMT -5
The thing I like about this story is that it flows very smoothly. Oh, and you might want to put a comma after "Underking", or capitalize 'and'.
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Post by Abaddon on Jan 21, 2007 15:05:10 GMT -5
I'm trying to strive for that. Your information helped but not all of it is going to correspond with my story. My underking is evil to the core and will try to kill the hero multiple times, indirectly or otherwise.
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Post by Dagothkitty on Jan 21, 2007 20:57:58 GMT -5
It was good. Again, I think you could add a little detail to what happens. Explode the moment, there are constant oppurtunities. Use the senses, of smell, see, hear, taste, touch, everything! Be sure to use strong adjectives and verbs. Otherwise, a godd read.
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Post by Maliku on Jan 23, 2007 20:34:40 GMT -5
I think I'm going to like this story very much.
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