|
Post by me on May 18, 2007 19:16:31 GMT -5
I've polluted him with my shoddy pacing =_=
|
|
Umaril
Rookie
[M:0]
Posts: 1,045
|
Post by Umaril on May 19, 2007 7:55:31 GMT -5
Before the young Khajiit could move - a great fist connected with the side of his head and smashed him into the dust.Get rid of the hyphen. It doesn't belong. Very nice read, and slowly progressing the story. However, it seemed to lack the usual... Rhythm of your writing. Don't know why I had the hyphen... But I havent got back into the swing of writing yet, save the last paragraphs
|
|
Umaril
Rookie
[M:0]
Posts: 1,045
|
Post by Umaril on May 20, 2007 10:18:03 GMT -5
Chapter Twenty: Shades
Angrond jolted from his bedroll and split his head on the wooden post holding up the tent. He remembered the dream clearly, as if it had really happened. He rubbed his eyes and crawled out of the tent. It was early morning - nearly dawn, and the moons Jone and Jode could still be seen in the sky. Embers burned where the campfire had been, and the Nerevarine was nowhere to be seen. Listening carefully, he heard someone whistling a tune further down the road. After a few seconds a figure appeared into view with a large glowing creature following it. It was Nerevar, and a two large rabbits seemed to be dangling from his gloved hand. "Ahh, Angrond. I was wondering when you would waken. The sun is rising and we should really be getting off again - after breakfast of course." He said, and rekindled the charcoal in the fire pit through magical means. The Atronarch beside him looked straight ahead, with a blank expression on it's face. The Nerevarine was good at conjuration, as Angrond had believed from the start. Nearly always he would have some form of atronarch at his side, whether for battle or other reasons.
The Nord sat down beside his companion, and began skinning the rabbits with him; then, after chopping the meat with a pocket knife, put them in the cooking pot that hung above the newly kindled fire. Several minutes later, the two men were consuming the stew hungrily, and it was gone in no time. "Come then," Said the Dunmer. "we must continue on towards Anvil, for every second lost means another soul has been taken by Throser." They slung their bags on their backs and went down the road.
After about half a mile, the ranger began to hear a noise in the trees. It sounded like a child calling. At first he thought he was imagining it, and blamed himself for not sleeping a while longer, but as they trudged further on and the sound grew louder, he knew it was real. "Can you hear that?" He asked. "No, what is it?" Said the Dunmer. "It sounds like a child crying for help," He replied. "But I cannot make out what it says..." "We should find the source of the noise, someone could be in danger." Said the Dunmer worriedly. "Follow the sounds, Angrond - lead on."
Veering to the left, they entered a large forest. The sounds grew louder and clearer, and the ranger followed them into a small clearing. Light shone through a gap in the canopy of trees above, and a lone tree-stump stood in the middle. Sitting on it was the shade of a young girl, her tangled hair fell to her shoulders in an untidy mess and her torn gown showed signs of struggle. "Here," Said Angrond, "it is but a little girl." He strode quietly into the clearing and knelt beside her. The Dark Elf stood leaning against a tree behind him, looking closely as reached out his hand. "What bothers you child?" He said, observing her cold, dead face. Then, a sound of many different voices poured from the young girls mouth; "Dead, all dead. My village was destroyed. Big creatures, with the bodies of slugs - they cast their magic on us and our souls left our bodies. They trapped my family and friends in small stones, I escaped and ran through the woods, but I couldn't feel the branches smacking off my face, nor the thorns piercing my feet. I had left my body back at the village." "Where is your village?" Asked Angrond. "Follow." She said suddenly, then she disappeared. They heard a pop, and she was at the far side of the clearing. "Follow." She said again. Crunching through the needle-covered forest floor, the pair ventured after the ghostly shade.
|
|
|
Post by me on May 20, 2007 11:30:04 GMT -5
This update came fast!
Anyway just one question. So the girl is dead, but somehow escaped the necromancers magic...or is....I'm not going to say the second one because if it is true it might ruin the surprise.
Just tell me if she is dead or not...And if the first is true it doesn't seem like something a child would say, but if the second is true.....great dialouge.
|
|
Umaril
Rookie
[M:0]
Posts: 1,045
|
Post by Umaril on May 20, 2007 12:16:57 GMT -5
Wait for the next update, then you'll see why she was clever...
|
|
|
Post by Uesugi on May 20, 2007 13:32:23 GMT -5
about half past six Their ability to tell time is astounding. Then, after chopping the meat with a pocket knife, put them in the cooking pot that hung above the newly kindled fire. Fragment; consider connecting it to the sentence before it with a semi-colon. "It sounds like a child crying for help," He replied. "But I cannot make out what they say..."
No offense, but I can't help shake the feeling that the Nerevarine was placed there as more novelty than anything else. And, Angrond's speaking habits change toward the end. Sounds strange. And I think I'm thinking what me's thinking about the girl.
|
|
Umaril
Rookie
[M:0]
Posts: 1,045
|
Post by Umaril on May 20, 2007 14:08:18 GMT -5
1. They couldn't tell the time. I put it there for convenience.
2. I'll change that.
3. I meant it could be male or female hence the "they".
4. You have yet to see his purpose in the story.
5. I don't get what you mean by speaking habits.....
|
|
|
Post by Uesugi on May 20, 2007 14:23:12 GMT -5
1. Takes away realism.
3. Then use "it".
5. In prior chapters, his diction has been more... modern? But, "it is but a child" is not something that fits in with how he has spoken before.
|
|
Umaril
Rookie
[M:0]
Posts: 1,045
|
Post by Umaril on May 20, 2007 14:45:23 GMT -5
1. Tolkien did it. 2. Ok 5. Meh...
|
|
|
Post by Uesugi on May 20, 2007 15:02:26 GMT -5
1. No, not really. Everything in his world had an explanation. However, there are no clocks on Nirn.
|
|
Umaril
Rookie
[M:0]
Posts: 1,045
|
Post by Umaril on May 20, 2007 17:08:55 GMT -5
Well in Oblivion didn't the cathederal bell ring at 6 and 12..... we are arguing a stupid argument I think Uesugi ;D
|
|
|
Post by Uesugi on May 20, 2007 18:30:39 GMT -5
And the Tsaesci look like men, and you can click a map and travel wherever without conflict and, well, you get the point. The Devs do a lot of things for convenience, not for the sake of lore.
|
|
Umaril
Rookie
[M:0]
Posts: 1,045
|
Post by Umaril on May 20, 2007 18:47:51 GMT -5
OK, OK I'll change it....
|
|
|
Post by Uesugi on May 20, 2007 18:51:56 GMT -5
See, now it sounds much better, much more real. Good work, Umaril.
|
|
Umaril
Rookie
[M:0]
Posts: 1,045
|
Post by Umaril on May 20, 2007 18:55:51 GMT -5
Do you be at the Akavir site much? Cos I'd like to be able to change boards etc. if that's OK..
|
|