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Post by Ilikepineapples on Apr 21, 2007 10:56:09 GMT -5
SHort Prolouge(SP?)
It was The year Of Mara the month of Heartfire. It had been two years after the Oblivion crisis and Martin Septim's death. The only survior of the blades was a young Wood Elf named Zia. She lives alone in Cloud Ruler Temple where she studies more about Combat.
Zia occasionly she goes down to Bruma to buy food and supllies. She is also a close friend of the Countess because of the efforts to save Bruma from the Great gate. She helps the Countess rule Bruma, since Zia herself was a ruler in Valenwood as a princess of a tribe of Wood elves. She left after a Breton assasinated her father. Since then she has a grudge againest all Bretons. The only Breton she befriended was Jauffre.
Anyway Cyrodill is no longer peaceful again and Zia's new adventure is about to begin...
Thats just the pro thingy at the begining of a book. The Real thing will be longer
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Post by Uesugi on Apr 21, 2007 12:21:21 GMT -5
Word of advice: show, don't tell. A prologue is meant to tell a part of a story that main not fit in with the rest of it, or indirectly sets the story up. Sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but that is the truth of things. Just a friendly bit of advice.
The story sounds interesting, though, and I'll look forward to it. Can't wait to see what this new threat is.
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Post by Ilikepineapples on Apr 21, 2007 12:38:50 GMT -5
Ok. Thanks for the advice, and don't worry. I've learned to take things easy. Also I'm going to start the first chapter soon.
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Post by Ilikepineapples on Apr 21, 2007 13:27:42 GMT -5
Chapter one: Wherein a warrior grieves for her lost friend an ally joins the Blades and the hero learns of what is to become.
It was a cool and humid morning at the Cloud Ruler Temple. Zia was in the library reading her favorite book, Doomstone vol. 1, by her favorite author Quil-Weave. She looked down to the current page she was on. “Chapter 12.” She whispered to herself. She silently read the paged and slightly moved her head left so she could read the right side page. But then she was disturbed by the sound of metal gauntlets banging loudly on her wooden gates. “Hmm... Maybe its the Countess of Bruma. We were planning to have a dinner party.
Zia sat up and put her book onto a stool next to her chair. She walked over to the door and opened it. She walked down the steps to the gates and opened them. “Hello?” Zia asked.
It was Byrd, The leader of the Bruma guards. “Zia! The countess, She was assassinated!” He shouted. Zia stared at him. Her mouth dropped open. She fell to her knees with tears dripping.
“How? Was she poisoned, shot, stabbed?” Zia asked. Byrd frowned at her and started to cry as well.
“It was one of the town folk. One of them is part of the Dark Brotherhood.” He whispered. “It was someone new in town. We found his plans right before it happened. It was too late though..” He reached into his pocket and gave it to Zia. Zia read it carefully.
Is almost time. We have Dark Brotherhood members station in every city. Soon we will send them to kill the Count and Countess of each city, CHeydinhal, Bruma, Chorrol, Skingrad, ANvil and Bravil and Leyiwen! Then with every Ruler dead we will release Sythis onto this world! Along with the Night Mother! Hmhahahah.
Zia gasped at a picture at the bottom painted. It was a giant skeleton man coming for a black hole from the sky to destroy the planet. "This.. This is unbelievable!" She tried to shout. The shout came out as a whisper. The fear was going through her veins.
"We can restart the blades. We can destroy there plan. They also need some items to start the ritual for his resurrection." Captain Byrd replied. Zia flipped the scroll around.
"They need two Daedric Artifacts, One heart of an Altimer, a handful of sapphires and a vial of blood from... Me!?" Zia shouted
"Come on, Zia!" Byrd said, whistling for his horse. "We have to recruit new members for the Blades. With that, Zia got onto the horse with Byrd and the rode toward Bruma.
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Post by Uesugi on Apr 21, 2007 14:32:20 GMT -5
I can say a few things here... the question is what. To hit on a quick point... Sithis is Nothing. Literally... It is a name given to nothingness that is opposite the Somthing of Anui-El. It is no god, no mortal, no sentient force... it is a concept. But your already into your story, so I'll just drop that.
For one, try to evoke more emotions. If your friend had just died, I am sure you would do more than kneel down, crying. You may not even be in a stable state of mind. I would suggest that later on you show this. Perhaps Zia is resting at an inn, after having done recruiting or whatever else she may end up doing, and then maybe her thoughts drift to the dead countess. Little things like that can go a long way to realism. Also, try describing the world more. Yes, most of us have played Oblivion, and know what the area around Bruma is like, with snow capped peaks on the backdrop, and the heartlands spreading out to the south, the Palace rising up in the distant haze. Others might not, so try to describe it to them.
Also, it is Leyawiin, not leyiwen. Sithis, not sythis. You missed a few end quotes. Try keeping your sentences a bit more fluid...
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Post by Ilikepineapples on Apr 21, 2007 15:08:45 GMT -5
I know about the Sithis thing. Its not the real Sithis. Just a summon named after him. Also sorry about the mistakes. I'm just P.Oed at the moment. Also I'm new to story writing. Thanks for the tips again.
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Post by Dagothkitty on Apr 21, 2007 19:02:01 GMT -5
Sithis was real at one time, he could be conjured as an entity. Blades are a very discreet, close knit orginization. I don't even know if it's possible for a wood elf to be in the Blades. Since the Blades are discreet, I doubt they would consider recruting going around and asking people. Try to keep the lore and such within reason in the TES world. Otherwise, It's not bad. I agree with uesugi if your friend did, then you wouldn't fall and cry.
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Post by Uesugi on Apr 21, 2007 19:22:05 GMT -5
Actually, Dagoth, Sithis has always been a mere concept. Whatever the DB in Oblivion tells you, is, well, wrong. Sithis is part of Change, and rests opposite Anui-El, but unlike its counterpart, it has no manifestation ever recorded... And the Blades may be discreet, but then agains, they let the Imperial Champion, of whatever race, join, as well as the Nerevarine. They let people in if they have a reason to.
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Post by Dagothkitty on Apr 21, 2007 19:32:08 GMT -5
The Champion of Cyrodiil and the Nerevarine were both played by characters in the games. The blades were a crucial part of the story, which the player progressed through, no matter on what race he is. I just heard, and assumed, that Sithis was a actual being, as he is the spouse of the Night Mother (who is actually a 'thing'). Am I right?
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Post by Uesugi on Apr 21, 2007 19:38:32 GMT -5
The point is, if the blades accept any who they feel they can trust. True, they wouldn't likely allow a bosmer in, but it is a more minor thing compared to some. Sithis is considered by the DB to be wed to the night mother, but that can be the recognition of death wedded to the DB. The DLC with the shrine in it is wrong, as well... Sithis wouldn't be able to respond. *shrug*
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Post by Ilikepineapples on Apr 21, 2007 19:39:41 GMT -5
They aren't just going to ask people, ofcourse! I can't say what there doing though. Also this is going by what the DB says so if you don't mind I'm going with Dagoth on that one. Also I am takeing charrie adds. JUst put basic info.
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Post by me on Apr 22, 2007 0:35:41 GMT -5
I seriously doubt a person would start laughing in a letter directed to other sociopathic murderers....Well I mean they wouldn't write down "Mmhahahahahahaha!"
And I doubt that the blades would be totally dead, and if they were...they would probably create a new orginization.... Because Zero wins and Losses is a better track record then total anhilation....plus the blades were specifically created to protect the emperor...and the DB don't really fall into that jurisdiction in an emperorless land...
Nice to see you back by the way
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Post by Ilikepineapples on Apr 22, 2007 20:55:30 GMT -5
SO what? I couldn't think of something. Got a problem with that?(Sorry. Serious P.O.ed right now)
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Post by me on Apr 22, 2007 21:13:28 GMT -5
May I ask why?
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Post by Ilikepineapples on Apr 22, 2007 21:18:20 GMT -5
Someone broke up with me through Email! I mean gosh! WHat a loser. Everbody knows to do it in person
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