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Post by Maliku on Jan 13, 2007 14:45:32 GMT -5
I liked the update but I did notice some errors. Other than that I'm waiting to see how this turns out.
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Post by sleipnir on Jan 13, 2007 14:49:44 GMT -5
Overall your story is beginning to pick up, D'sD. You've got a few grammatical errors (e.g. it's is 'it is' and not the posessive form, "its"). The flow is generally nice, though I noticed a few places that were slightly clunky ("The thump of boots of many thundered above him" might work better as, "The thump of many boots thundered above him"). Remember that dialogue needs to have some kind of punctuation, and that it always goes on the inside of the quotation marks. The mistakes I mentioned are not that big and could be fixed easily when you revise and edit your story. Again, the story is shaping up nicely and the description is good. Keep up the good work.
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Post by Dagothkitty on Jan 13, 2007 14:51:36 GMT -5
Thanks, maliku and sleipner.
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Post by uesugi on Jan 13, 2007 14:59:23 GMT -5
Another good update, Dagoth. Is the information being given in the last paragraph given from you, or the main character. If from you, then you might want to introduce it in another. Remember, show vs. tell. If it's from the main character though, then everything else seemed fine.
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Post by me on Jan 13, 2007 15:27:18 GMT -5
Simple politics, which makes it easier, but might not be realistic...of course its not like many people read for realism.
Anyway besides the political errors it was a good update.
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Post by Dagothkitty on Jan 13, 2007 19:51:41 GMT -5
37 Minutes After the Briefing... Marcus looked out over the water. The sun sank into the pink horizon, spilling marvelous colors over the water. The water was calm, swaying and rippling, flowing with the current to every corner of the Earth. It was quiet, as if silence had gotten a stranglehold over what was usually merry and happy. Marcus stood up, and took one last look off into the infinite. He started towards the official equipment room, paying no attention to the countless weapon sergeants fluttering in and out of the already crammed room. The PA's announcements irritated him, warning him of the deaths that the American forces had already taken. He entered the cluttered room, and went to the firearms section, where most of the populous was emitting from. He stood there, sweating as the gears of the clock on the pale wall spun everlastingly, as if time was so fragile, you could so much as whisper, and it would be destroyed. The uneasy feeling taunted him, as if he was about to play a big game, as if the eyes of the world watched him. Finally, the red light flashed, and he was allowed to enter the armory. He strolled over to the side arms table, where he sought to a 9mm baretta, with a laser sighting, and an extended 16 capacity clip. the lasers incoherent light could pinpoint a shot as any length, it indicated death every time it passed over an enemy. Hopefully, he wouldn't have to use it, as pilots only did if they were ever shot down behind enemy lines. The CO's played some old rock, which Marcus was not fond of, though unfortunately, it seemed most of the ship's crew was. He grabbed, his G suit, which was under encased in a square hole in the wall and protected by glass. His name, rank and serial number was displayed upon a screen above the chamber. He strapped on the gear, the usual feeling of straps pulled tightly across his body comforted him. He checked the gear, inspecting every notch and gauge, and everything was intact, and in check. "Team delta, prepare for dispatch and engage. Report for launch at Hangar 12." Marcus leaft the distorted room, and into the unreal bleach hallways that Marcus was well accustomed to. He walked, past delta force members, elite navy seals, and Rangers from the mainland, being sent to their deaths, or to the deaths of others, which was more likely, as these were the most elite warriors in the world. He eventually came upon the hatch to the hanger, and breathed a deep sigh. He always aimed for the best, but prepared for the worse. The mission, would either give the United States a foothold against the Yurian Terrorism operations, or result in territory lost to the war machine. Marcus, was determined, for that not to happen.
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Post by me on Jan 13, 2007 20:00:09 GMT -5
This was a very good read! I must say it is fantastic!
RECON!!!
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Post by Maliku on Jan 13, 2007 20:03:15 GMT -5
I want to see some fighting now.
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Post by Dagothkitty on Jan 13, 2007 20:07:32 GMT -5
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Post by me on Jan 13, 2007 20:11:29 GMT -5
Recon Marines!!!
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Post by uesugi on Jan 13, 2007 20:23:42 GMT -5
Better than the last update, though I noticed you used commas in a few wierd places, but that's more stylistic than anything. Also, in that last paragraph, you switch into first perspective for a sentence, before switching back into third in the next. Nothing big though.
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Post by Dagothkitty on Jan 13, 2007 20:25:21 GMT -5
Thanks.
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Post by Dagothkitty on Jan 21, 2007 20:02:14 GMT -5
The glass panel that surrounded the pilots 'pit' closed slowly, as air hissed from a valve from the side of the ship. The casing closed, making a muffled thud. The displays came to life from there dark slumber, and the engines hummed behind him. In front of Marcus's vessel was a noncom waving to and fro, indicating where Marcus should go, and what he should do.
The anticipation of joining on the boundless sky's increased Marcus's morale and excitement. He knew that wars were terrible, and that these beautiful machines built for it were put to a bad use, though very effective. He ran a systems check before pushing the throttle slightly, moving the jet at a mediocre pace. He was no amateur, many times he was threatened of his own life, but with his skills, and apparent luck, no one could rid him of his life. He was one of the most skilled pilots in this army, though his talent went unnoticed through the piles of reports the higher ranking members skimmed through each day. Enough... it was time to launch.
His vessel reached the top, from the platform that raised and lowered, carrying these machines to do their duty, from the decks below. The sun was merely dissolved now, and the twilight was conquering the sun's last light. The sky was cloudless, a perfect night for a war. A long with his new squadron, (which he knew little of) they turned the key and their engines roared in unison. Marcus strapped on is helmet, his head submerged in a black visor and impossible technology. They turned, facing the run way of the carrier. They got a glimpse of what the enemy was about to meet, as hundreds of fighter jets soared far above. Marcus looked all around him, and noticed that their individual fleets now formed a very large armada, dotting the endless sea with their metal bulk. The non coms waved for them to start the launch, the way was clear.
"Ok delta, lets not let down those people needing us out there, let's go!"
The platoon took off, in what seemed to be an endlessly rehearsed show, taking off into the dusk. Now, it was serious. Now, the mission would begin. Now..... deaths of many would be determined.
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Post by uesugi on Jan 21, 2007 22:22:27 GMT -5
A good read. I'm really looking forward to the coming battle(s). One thing: 'ties' should be times (second paragraph). Otherwise, good update.
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Post by me on Jan 21, 2007 22:50:25 GMT -5
What sorta planes?
Advanced or your run of the mill Phantoms and such.
Lovin the story though!
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