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Post by BloodMoonWolf on Jan 25, 2007 10:38:31 GMT -5
The plot seems good but its too choppy. You should refrain from using your main character's name so much. Just using the word he would suffice. Also if you added more detail that would help too. Welp thats my two cents otherwise it looks good for some one who just started.
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Post by knightslayer on Jan 25, 2007 15:11:21 GMT -5
Thanks alot. so your saying more detail about the people and the surroundings and not to hop all over the place?
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Post by BloodMoonWolf on Jan 25, 2007 15:12:54 GMT -5
yeah basically. Do that and it will be great.
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Post by Dagothkitty on Jan 25, 2007 18:29:48 GMT -5
I dont think that a group of samurai or samurais in training would yell 'oh crap!' though... ya know? You may want to indent every now and then, starting over new woth a fresh paragraph. Other then that, it looks good. Oh, and to add to what bloodmoon said, be sure to include the sense of smell, taste, touch, hearing, tasting, all the senses, to what your character sees/feels. Other then this, it look pretty good.
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Umaril
Rookie
[M:0]
Posts: 1,045
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Post by Umaril on Jan 25, 2007 18:30:21 GMT -5
Yeah, I second what Blood said, you shouldn't repeat the characters name over and over. Other than that, this is shaping out well.
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Post by knightslayer on Jan 25, 2007 20:50:57 GMT -5
thanks for the advice guys. ;D
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Post by Maliku on Jan 25, 2007 21:04:20 GMT -5
I agree with pretty much everything everyone else said.
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Post by knightslayer on Jan 25, 2007 21:06:22 GMT -5
lol. oh and i like your avatar. GO BLEACH!
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Post by Maliku on Jan 25, 2007 21:08:09 GMT -5
Definately.
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Post by uesugi on Jan 25, 2007 21:52:57 GMT -5
Adding onto what others have said, remember to put in apostrophies, commas, etc. And perhaps research samurai and sword culture a bit, as it may be beneficial to your story as a whole. On another note, when you describe Genkura, make it a bit more subtle. Add the details in as you work through the story. A comment about him fixing his hair would integrate the reader in a bit more than "He has blue, spikey hair."
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