Mr. Bubbles
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Black
Jul 22, 2007 3:39:21 GMT -5
Post by Mr. Bubbles on Jul 22, 2007 3:39:21 GMT -5
It was a dark world. The only colors it had ever known were the colors of blood and death. It seemed, at times, a twisted half reflection of the one in which humans dwelled. The sun was blood red in color, and the shadows it cast were filled with demons and other horrors that the human mind could not possibly comprehend. The land was unforgiving in the best of times, the black rock which made up the ground emanating a kind of palpable malevolence, and the only things that grew were huge, cruel, and twisted. There were no buildings, no cars, no planes, no anything that might mark civilization for any sane man. Even the clouds, black and spewing out cruel red lightning at anything that moved, would be familiar.
Nothing could live in this world but the strongest, the cruelest, the most cunning. Even the insects were deadly for a creature of the light. It was here, in this bleak, forbidding land, where boy Aron had spent every night since he could walk. Every night when he fell asleep he dreamed the same dream, living here in the world of the shadows. At first he had been terrified, thinking that something would leap out of the shadows to kill him at any moment; that had passed after his first encounter with a demon.
When it had first leaped out of the shadows, he had been sure that it would kill him, but he hadn't been able to move or look away from the hideous thing. It had been midnight black, with glowing read symbols all along its body and glowing, catlike yellow eyes, and it had been around five feet tall, if his memory was correct.
But instead of killing him, it had knelt and prostrated itself before him, crying out "Master!" as it did. That had been the beginning. Now, at the age of fifteen, Aron was far greater than anyone else could ever imagine. He had started to discover the powers that came with his night time wanderings.
He could . . . change . . . himself. With just a thought Aron could transform his arm into a sort of metallic claw, the same color as that demon he had first seen, and with similar markings. He could summon demons threw a sort of gateway through shadows. He could communicate with his demons mind to mind And, more importantly, he could all of it while awake!
When he had first discovered this odd talent in himself,, he had toyed the the notion that he was insane, but discarded it soon after thinking of it. Aron doubted that the insane worried much about whether or not they were insane.
He kept the fact that he could do any of this to himself. The magicians would want to study him and the priests would want to kill him. Aron did not want to think about what the other groups with Power would do to him if they found out.
Distantly he heard his alarm ringing. With a sigh, Aron dismounted his 'horse' - he called it a horse because it looked rather like a horse, and he couldn't pronounce its true name - and walked to the nearest shadow. He wasn't truly here, of course. It was more like he was sending his spirit through the shadow from his home to this world; he highly doubted that he could survive here very long in the flesh.
Aron focused on the shadow, forcing a gateway to open in it. The shadow grew darker, so dark that it seemed to suck in the surrounding light, and it seemed to look like water now, rippling on the ground in harmony to his will. Finally a gate opened in the shadow, and Aron walked - fell, really - into it.
For a horrifying moment, he was falling through absolute nothingness, and then, as suddenly as it had began, it was over and he was back in his bed.
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Mr. Bubbles
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Black
Jul 22, 2007 3:41:29 GMT -5
Post by Mr. Bubbles on Jul 22, 2007 3:41:29 GMT -5
Well, I finally posted something. Yay for me, right? I've been dwelling on Aron's power for years now, and I've finally come up with a story for it! Comment please, any criticism would be welcome.
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Black
Jul 22, 2007 13:22:01 GMT -5
Post by Uesugi on Jul 22, 2007 13:22:01 GMT -5
summon demons threw a sort of gateway I threw this line through a spell-checker. When he had first discovered this odd talent in himself,, One comma. He could communicate with his demons mind to mind And, more importantly, he could all of it while awake! You need some punctuation between "mind" and "And". I suggest a comma, with a lower case a.
This is an interesting story. As always, you have few errors in your text... Just be sure not to get too stereotypical with this "evil, dark" world, and I won't complain too much. Can't wait until the next update.
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Black
Jul 22, 2007 15:31:17 GMT -5
Post by me on Jul 22, 2007 15:31:17 GMT -5
Ah, looks like I was wrong about you here Hamn. Anyway some mistakes, but good description. he could all of it while awake! You should have the word do between could and all. When he had first discovered this odd talent in himself,, he had toyed the the notion that he was insane, but discarded it soon after thinking of it. Aron doubted that the insane worried much about whether or not they were insane. One to many commas, and methinks the wording feels a bit off in the first sentence. In the second the use of the word insane feels repetitious. I would try something like Aron doubted that the insane worried much about their sanity.All in all good description, and no major mistakes.
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Mr. Bubbles
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Black
Jul 23, 2007 0:48:38 GMT -5
Post by Mr. Bubbles on Jul 23, 2007 0:48:38 GMT -5
For a long moment Aron remained motionless, thinking that if he stayed in bed long enough for someone to come check on him, he might be able to fake sickness. He struggled with the that for a time, but, in the end, his conscience won out and he sat up unsteadily in his bed.
Suddenly he realized that the alarm next to his bed was still ringing. Annoyed, he contemplated letting it fall through its own shadow, but after remembering that he'd have to explain just where the damned thing went to someone, he just turned it off with a sigh of regret.
Staggering groggily out of bed, Aron looked around the small room that had been his home during waking hours for nearly sixteen years. It wasn't much, to be honest. In one corner, there was a shelf filled with books, and next to it a dresser. On the other side of the room was a desk, on top of which were the cloths that should have been in the dresser with a cracked mirror and wash basin on the top of it. His bed was as far from the door as possible, in a corner flanked by windows on either wall. A small metal chair was in the middle of the room, close enough to reach the book shelf.
Stifling a yawn, Aron stumbled over to the table so that he could dress himself. Struggling with a shirt, he managed to make it to the dresser without tripping more than twice.
When Aron finally got the shirt in place, he looked critically at the reflection in the mirror. With shaggy brown hair and blue eyes, he managed to be completely unremarkable. "That's new" Aron muttered under his breath, staring intently at the reflection of his right eye. There seemed to be a black fog creeping up into the white of his eye, making the parts it covered black as midnight.
"Well," he said to his reflection "we can't let people see that, now, can we?" He focused on the odd black fog and willed it to leave. Slowly, it crept back down his eye until it was gone from sight. He frowned at his reflection, thinking. What was that? Why did it happen? Was it a sign of a new power? And, more importantly, would it happen when he was around others? He decided that he wasn't getting anywhere with this line of thought, so he dropped it.
Turning his attention back to more mundane things, Aron looked warily at the water in the large basin. He didn't think that he smelled, but if he came out without at least looking like he took a shower, people might take offense. A solution to his small dilemma came to mind, and, deciding that it was the easiest way out, dunked his head in the water. After he came back up, dripping and gasping, he immediately set to brushing his teeth. Satisfied that he would pass cursory inspection, Aron walked out of his room.
Aron didn't pause at any of the other rooms in the house. Walking with as much dignity as could be managed at five in the morning, he went straight for the door, hoping to leave before he was noticed.
"Where are you going? It's the Day of Worship; no one has to work today." a sleepy voice called out behind him. Muttering darkly under his breath, he turned to look at the small boy who had stopped him.
"Bran, what are you doing awake?" Aron asked quietly. The boy looked sheepishly up at him. He had a shaved head, as did all who worshiped Achiar, the God of Knowledge. Bran's parents had instilled in him a deep seated love of Achiar before they sent him to live here. This building, and thousands like it, housed those without talent for any of the known Powers from age ten to death.
"I-I heard an alarm go off, and I was wondering why anyone would be awake at this hour when they didn't have to." the boy stuttered. Aron kept his face smooth, but inside he snarled. He knew he should have gotten rid of that horrid thing! But it was to late for that now, and Aron felt that trying to correct things that had already happened was the worst kind of foolishness.
Taking a deep breath, Aron calmed himself. This was a small set back, and a few seconds wouldn't cost him anything. "I just forgot to turn off my alarm yesterday, and decided to take a walk since I was awake anyway." he explained calmly.
"Oh." Bran said. He seemed a little disappointed by the answer; no doubt the boy had expected some wild adventure.
"Go back to bed, Bran. At least one of us has a chance at sleep still." The boy nodded, a bit glumly Aron noticed, and walked back to his room. Aron waited until Bran was all the way back in his room, and when the door shut behind him, Aron let out a sigh of relief.
Now, free to pursue whatever it was that had pulled at him for the past month, Aron opened the front door and stepped outside.
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As you may have noticed, I'm trying to go into more detail. It adds to the overall length, but I think that it will help the story. Tell me what you think.
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Black
Jul 23, 2007 0:54:56 GMT -5
Post by me on Jul 23, 2007 0:54:56 GMT -5
Like I said before it is good, and I'll let Uesugi take out the mistakes before picking up the crumbs =_=
Might I ask the time period?
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Mr. Bubbles
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Black
Jul 23, 2007 0:58:58 GMT -5
Post by Mr. Bubbles on Jul 23, 2007 0:58:58 GMT -5
You'll see. I'm getting to that, and I'd prefer it to be a surprise in story.
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Black
Jul 23, 2007 1:00:26 GMT -5
Post by me on Jul 23, 2007 1:00:26 GMT -5
ok
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Black
Jul 23, 2007 1:11:21 GMT -5
Post by Uesugi on Jul 23, 2007 1:11:21 GMT -5
What was that? Why did it happen? Was it a sign of a new power? And, more importantly, would it happen when he was around others? You ought to change how you present these. The thoughts can definitely be fleshed out more. no one rattles off questions and then moves on. He seemed a little disappointed by the answer; no doubt the boy had expected some wild adventure. Though I am an avid fan of the semi-colon, it has its uses... It can be a bit pretentious at times. I would suggest dropping it here, and leaving these as two seperate sentences.
I suggest you vary your words a bit. There are times when a stronger variation would have been more effective. Granted one could go overboard, I don't think you'd do too wrongly if you added a bit more flair. Also, try to make your structure a bit more simple. Your writing reminds me of my own: a bit blocky. I'll offer you some advice: break down some of the larger, comma connected sentences. Short sentences are just as good as long ones, and sometimes better.
Also, don't worry about how long you make it, but please do worry more about plot than detail. Detail doesn't make too much difference, or so I've taught myself. If the stories are good, the world believable, the characters real, no one will notice that you didn't describe the smell of the cot in the corner that is mentioned only once. Length really doesn't matter, though. I write 10 or more pages each update, and I'm perfectly fine with it. However, more of that time is spent on important elements, other than detail... Granted 10+ pages scares people off, but I think I am getting at something here. Don't worry so much about how much detail you add... Really.
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Mr. Bubbles
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Black
Jul 23, 2007 1:15:09 GMT -5
Post by Mr. Bubbles on Jul 23, 2007 1:15:09 GMT -5
I know, but I just think that if I go more into detail then I can draw in the reader more, you know? But thanks for the advice; I'll try to get better with every update.
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Black
Jul 23, 2007 1:20:44 GMT -5
Post by me on Jul 23, 2007 1:20:44 GMT -5
Thats the way its suppose to work
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Black
Jul 23, 2007 2:02:32 GMT -5
Post by Adifferentcity on Jul 23, 2007 2:02:32 GMT -5
A new story? I didn't think you had it in you, hamn. You have my approval. Congratulations!
All joking aside, it's good. I do wish you'd spend a little more time editing, some of those mistakes could have been easily caught. But sometimes, when proofreading, you read the words on the page, but you see only what you envisioned. It's understandable, but annoying.
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Mr. Bubbles
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Black
Jul 23, 2007 2:51:36 GMT -5
Post by Mr. Bubbles on Jul 23, 2007 2:51:36 GMT -5
Aron walked down the street as fast as the crowd would let him, oblivious to the his surroundings, toward whatever was pulling him along like a rag doll. That thought irked him. He had more Power than most of these fools would in a life time, and something dared pull him along like some sort of puppet? He knew that that was arrogant in the extreme, but it was true none the less.
Still, at least it had given him a reason to get out of the house. Despite what Bran had said, he knew that unless he had done as he had or suddenly became a great actor and feigned illness, Samuel, the landlord, would have put him to work for the rest of the day, without any chance of escape, or even rest.
The tugging grew steadily as Aron made his way down the broad street. Being the Day of Worship, nearly everyone, even those without a Power, had the entire day off, as well as the week leading up to it.
The religious clogged the street, making it impossible to get anywhere in a car, for those rich enough to own one. Aron was not particularly religious himself, but some of the faiths had earned his respect. Some, though, he found repulsive, such as the Church of Edoman, God of Death. They still practiced human sacrifice, and had a reputation for assassinating those who disagreed with them.
It took a bit of effort to get the snarl that had appeared on his face at the that thought off. That it was ironic someone who consorted with demons and worse to find human sacrifice and assassination repugnant sprung to mind. For some reason, he found that funny.
With a grim chuckle, Aron turned his mind back to the process of actually moving forward through the moving wall of flesh that crowded the street.
Out of the corner of his eye, Aron noticed a soldier in full armor and a bastard sword slung over his back. As always when he caught sight of a soldier, Aron wondered how it was that technology could have advanced so far while leaving weaponry at a near barbaric level.
So engrossed in that line of thought was Aron that he almost missed the obvious: why would a soldier in full armor be out during the Day of Worship? It made no sense; even Ruarg, the War God, would not fight on this day.
After that Aron began to keep an eye out for more soldiers. They were everywhere, and not all of them were as obvious as that first one had been. A merchant leaning on a lance here, a beggar standing at rigged attention there, every street had at least ten soldiers waiting.
Aron was about to try and find out just why it was these soldiers were here when that pulling suddenly grew so strong that it nearly pulled him off his feet.
As he caught himself, a voice rang out in his head, calling out to him. It said only one word: "Z' Dreth", the demon word for black.
The voice, now added to the methodical pulling, continued to repeat that one word over and over. Aron swallowed hard, for some reason now nervous. The realization that he was nervous annoyed him so much that he started down the street toward whatever it was that was pulling him again without a second thought.
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Black
Jul 23, 2007 13:40:12 GMT -5
Post by Uesugi on Jul 23, 2007 13:40:12 GMT -5
Aron walked down the street as fast as the crowd would let him Is it still five in the morning? true no the less. None Despite what Bran had said, he knew that unless he had done as he had or suddenly became a great actor and feigned illness, Samuel, the landlord, would have put him to work for the rest of the day, without any chance of escape, or even rest. Less is more. Break this sentence down. Being the Day of Worship Perhaps you ought to elaborate more on this. Aron wondered how it was that technology could have advanced so far while leaving weaponry at a near barbaric level. Consider: how would he know if technology/weaponry can be advanced any further? X' Dreth I am curious how the X with the apostrophe after if would be pronounced...
Be careful the views you extend to your character. I am curious why the main character assumes that weapons can get better, why the "evil" religion doesn't have his respect, what this day of worship is, etc. Detail is not just describing the things in the world, but the workings of the world itself. What makes soldiers such an oddity? Why do things operate as they do? What are these "Powers"? Think about certain nuances like these. I know that, though later on, we may be told these things, and more, don't hold them back unnecessarily. Remember: you know everything because you are the writer, but we know nothing of your world.
Also, be careful with the sentences. Some are way too long, methinks, and could be shortened. Also, be a bit more careful with your word choice... Anyway, good update, mate. Glad to see you writing at any rate. Though, is your other story abandoned for now?
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Mr. Bubbles
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Black
Jul 23, 2007 15:42:25 GMT -5
Post by Mr. Bubbles on Jul 23, 2007 15:42:25 GMT -5
I know about the detail thing. I was planning to put in those details you mentioned when it seemed more appropriate, but whatever. I'll try to do better with the sentences. My other story is on hiatus at the moment, yes, but I plan on continuing with it. I'd rather not let it die. Oh, and the X was an accident. It was supposed to be a Z.
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