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Black
Jul 24, 2007 3:50:42 GMT -5
Post by me on Jul 24, 2007 3:50:42 GMT -5
Eh...methinks Uesugi got it all..
All I can really say is good job...
And no one said that the Demons necessarily had to be bad...remember that =_=
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Mr. Bubbles
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Black
Jul 28, 2007 6:05:09 GMT -5
Post by Mr. Bubbles on Jul 28, 2007 6:05:09 GMT -5
Aron ran through the crowded streets, unaware of anything beside the rhythmic tugging and the voice crying out in his mind. The people parted for him, sensing that this young man was somehow different now, dangerous even. Aron ignored them. His curiosity about the soldiers, and even his irritation was lost in the rhythm that pulled him along.
He was getting closer, he was sure of it. That shot a shiver of excitement down his spine, and his lips parted in a crooked grin. The thought that his growing excitement came from the thing that pulled him flitted across his mind, but he paid it no heed. It was closer, and that was all that mattered.
The sun rising over the horizon brought an abrupt halt to that exhilaration, and to Aron himself. When the light of the sun hit him, he stopped dead and inhaled sharply. The voice screamed in pain at the lights warmth, and the sound and pain of it echoed through Aron's mind.
Aron stood stiff as a board, gasping for breath. The voice had stopped; the tugging had slowed significantly. He felt as if he had ran for an hour. And he had, now that he thought of it.
Now that he was out of the voices spell, Aron looked around at his surroundings. He was in one of the housing districts meant for the Powerless. The first thing he noticed was the smell; many Hotels, as buildings like these were commonly referred to, had no indoor plumbing.
Screwing up his face in disgust at the smell, Aron took in the Hotels themselves. They were dirty, rundown things. Most missed windows, doors or even parts of the walls. Graffiti painted most, and garbage littered the streets around them.
There were no people outside here. Most would undoubtedly still be in bed, catching up on the sleep they had missed through a years worth of menial labor. Only the fanatically religious or those unfortunate enough to still have to work would be out at this hour in this part of the city.
Aron's gaze inevitably wandered to where the tugging pulled him. After a moment of debating whether this was truly a good idea, Aron decided that going alone was foolish.
He turned around and looked at his shadow, concentrating. Gradually it darkened, until it finally it was blacker than midnight, and it rippled like disturbed water. Then Aron felt something click in the back of his mind, confirmation that the gate was open.
He reached out with his mind, looking for something suitable to his task. Something small and agile, but could withstand the sun. Some demons couldn't He had found out the hard way.
Then it came to him: the voice was a demon! He couldn't believe that it had not occurred to him before. Then that meant that the tugging feeling was from a demon as well . . . but how? He knew that the only way for demons to come to this plane of existence was through a gate like the one he was now making.
So who made the gate? And why? He decided that he would find out soon enough, one way or another, and so turned his attention back to selecting a demon.
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Black
Jul 28, 2007 6:39:40 GMT -5
Post by me on Jul 28, 2007 6:39:40 GMT -5
OK first off sensing that this young man was somehow different now, Get rid of the now. Most the people probably don't know him, and if he were among friends, then the now would be acceptable because they can compare his actions to his past actions. That shot a shiver of excitement down his spine, What shot a shiver of excitement down his spine. By itself this sentence wouldn't make much sense. Maybe something like A shiver of excitement shot down his spine at the thought, and...The sun rising over the horizon brought an abrupt halt to that exhilaration, and to Aron himself. That makes it sound as if he were dieing. He isn't dieing now? Maybe you should specify what was brought to a stop. You capitalize he several times when it shouldn't be...and yeah... I'll let Uesugi get the rest =_=
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Mr. Bubbles
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Black
Jul 28, 2007 7:37:48 GMT -5
Post by Mr. Bubbles on Jul 28, 2007 7:37:48 GMT -5
Where did I capitalize he where I shouldn't have?
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Black
Jul 28, 2007 8:49:54 GMT -5
Post by Uesugi on Jul 28, 2007 8:49:54 GMT -5
The people parted for him, sensing that this young man was somehow different now, dangerous even. Get rid of now. Maybe somehow too. And maybe change that this to the. That shot a shiver of excitement down his spine, and his lips parted in a crooked grin. This is incomplete. State exactly what shot shivers down his spine (his heart is aching all the time...)... The sun rising over the horizon brought an abrupt halt to that exhilaration The ****? Okay, let me ask you this: this whole scene has been taking place in the dark? Why, on this day when people aren't supposed to be working, are the streets crowded? to still have to work would be out at this hour in this part of the city. Again, wasn't this supposed to be super-duper day off? missed through a years worth of menial labor Just because it isn't alive doesn't mean it cannot possess. Should be year's. After a moment of debating whether this was truly a good idea, Aron decided that going alone was foolish. So he is willing to rush heedlessly through a city, but won't follow through at the last minute when he suddenly thinks this all through? Some demons couldn't He had found out the hard way. Some demons couldn't; he had found out the hard way. Then it came to him: the voice was a demon! Wait... what? I've been operating under that assumption since he first started running... did it ever say otherwise? So who made the gate? And why? This seems more tacked on than about three or four of the deaths in the new HP books.
Alright, sorry if I seem a bit rush; I'm packing for camping. You need to remember to stay consistent with your writing... Or, more like your setting/plot. It makes no bloody sense that people part for him before dawn on this religious holiday... Now, perhaps I ought to re-read the prior update, but I have not the time. Suffice to say, you're still doing decent work, as you always have. Your errors are, like always, not of the literary kind. I would add a bit more description here or there, perhaps, but most of it is good enough as is. Never an excuse not to get better though...
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Black
Jul 28, 2007 15:35:14 GMT -5
Post by me on Jul 28, 2007 15:35:14 GMT -5
demons couldn't He had found out the hard way.
Thats where you accidentally capitalized he when you shouldn't have.
Have fun on your camping trip Uesugi!
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Mr. Bubbles
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Black
Jul 28, 2007 19:34:54 GMT -5
Post by Mr. Bubbles on Jul 28, 2007 19:34:54 GMT -5
No, I missed a period.
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Black
Jul 28, 2007 19:40:19 GMT -5
Post by me on Jul 28, 2007 19:40:19 GMT -5
Oh, that works to
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Black
Jul 29, 2007 13:43:24 GMT -5
Post by Uesugi on Jul 29, 2007 13:43:24 GMT -5
Actually, you missed a semi-colon...
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Mr. Bubbles
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Black
Aug 1, 2007 6:32:23 GMT -5
Post by Mr. Bubbles on Aug 1, 2007 6:32:23 GMT -5
To Aron's surprise, a demon climbed out of the gate without his telling it to. That had never happened before, and that, along with all of the other odd things that had happened today, made him nervous.
Even more unexpected, the demon was the first one that Aron had ever met. He knew that it followed him occasionally when he was wandering the demons world at night, but it had never openly confronted him.
Aron looked the thing over. It was shorter than he was now, roughly five feet tall to Aron's best guess. It stared up at him with its unblinking yellow eyes as it crouched in the shadows by the gate it had come through. It had long, needle-like teeth and large claws that could cling to anything, allowing it to climb walls and
It was the way it moved that convinced Aron to bring it along. It moved with a sort of lithe grace as it came to him. Aron was sure it was fast now, able to avoid its larger predators with ease, and that was what he needed right now. It could scout out whatever's ahead, let him know if it was too dangerous to go on.
Closing the gate, Aron told the demon to stay in the shadows and follow him.
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Yeah, I know, this update sucks. It's short and all it does is describe a demon I've already described (though in less detail). I posted this because I was bored and wanted to write a little. Just ignore it if you want, you don't need it for the next update. I promise it'll be better (and longer).
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Black
Aug 1, 2007 7:23:16 GMT -5
Post by me on Aug 1, 2007 7:23:16 GMT -5
It had a sort of lithe grace as it came to him.
You mean it displayed a lithe grace. It doesn't have lithe grace. Having implies ownership. It doesn't own the grace, it shows it.
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Mr. Bubbles
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Black
Aug 1, 2007 7:25:59 GMT -5
Post by Mr. Bubbles on Aug 1, 2007 7:25:59 GMT -5
There. Was that it?
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Black
Aug 1, 2007 7:30:49 GMT -5
Post by me on Aug 1, 2007 7:30:49 GMT -5
To tired to comb through it more...
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Mr. Bubbles
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Black
Aug 1, 2007 7:34:10 GMT -5
Post by Mr. Bubbles on Aug 1, 2007 7:34:10 GMT -5
Is it just me, or it the shoutbox gone?
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Black
Aug 1, 2007 7:34:54 GMT -5
Post by me on Aug 1, 2007 7:34:54 GMT -5
I see...or don't see...it as well
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