etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Fall
Jul 30, 2007 20:45:18 GMT -5
Post by etherealshadow on Jul 30, 2007 20:45:18 GMT -5
The building looked perfectly tall enough now that she had gotten to the roof. High enough that she wouldnt feel it when she hit the ground.
She inhalled a deep breath, taking a sliding step closer to the edge. Standing so high up made her go slightly queezy. She looked down and out at the cars all dutifully going about their buisness. A silent tear rolled down her cheek as she leaned out her leg, preparing to have gravity just carry her over.
Panicked and fearful arms grabbed and pulled her away from the edge. She looked out in bewilderment at the reflective blue of the windows from the building in front of her. The building she would have seen her falling reflection in if her crazy scheme had been carried out.
He turned her around and held her so all she could focus on was him.
She couldnt hold her tears any longer, and finnally gave into their suffocating embrace.
They both sank to the ground, clinging to one another. Terrified the other would fall away.
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Fall
Jul 30, 2007 20:49:29 GMT -5
Post by Dagothkitty on Jul 30, 2007 20:49:29 GMT -5
It seems you just posted the climax of the story.
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Fall
Jul 30, 2007 20:49:41 GMT -5
Post by Uesugi on Jul 30, 2007 20:49:41 GMT -5
Paniced and fearfull Panicked, fearful. Terrified afraid the other would fall away. Comma after terrified.
You certainly write shorter pieces... flash fiction... Well, I liked this one, too. Definitely thought-provoking to some degree.
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etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Fall
Jul 30, 2007 20:50:40 GMT -5
Post by etherealshadow on Jul 30, 2007 20:50:40 GMT -5
oh sorry, not supposed to ba an afraid there. it was a scene my friend described
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Fall
Jul 30, 2007 21:47:43 GMT -5
Post by me on Jul 30, 2007 21:47:43 GMT -5
Meh, only one real problem I could see that Uesugi had left.
as she leaned out her arm,
This makes it sound as if...well I really don't know what this is describing
Either way I'm sure that her arm isn't the only thing "leaning out." Perhaps she was supported by, or restrained by her arm.
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Fall
Jul 30, 2007 22:32:10 GMT -5
Post by me on Jul 30, 2007 22:32:10 GMT -5
It seems you just posted the climax of the story. They aren't parts to a single story...
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Fall
Jul 30, 2007 22:39:12 GMT -5
Post by Uesugi on Jul 30, 2007 22:39:12 GMT -5
It seems you just posted the climax of the story. Please learn what flash fiction is. Please stop throwing around terms to make you seem like you know what you're talking about, when you really are ignorant of the subject at hand... Please learn more about literature. Please insert more climaxes, Dagoth, because that seems to be your favorite term.
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Fall
Jul 30, 2007 22:42:16 GMT -5
Post by me on Jul 30, 2007 22:42:16 GMT -5
It seems you just posted the climax of the story. Please learn what flash fiction is. Please stop throwing around terms to make you seem like you know what you're talking about, when you really are ignorant of the subject at hand... Please learn more about literature. Please insert more climaxes, Dagoth, because that seems to be your favorite term. Your comment needs more climaxes Uesugi!
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etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
|
Fall
Jul 31, 2007 2:33:08 GMT -5
Post by etherealshadow on Jul 31, 2007 2:33:08 GMT -5
k, i altered it a bit. anything else?
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Fall
Jul 31, 2007 2:36:43 GMT -5
Post by me on Jul 31, 2007 2:36:43 GMT -5
Make perfectly perfect put a comma after it and a "that" between now and she
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etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
|
Fall
Jul 31, 2007 2:44:47 GMT -5
Post by etherealshadow on Jul 31, 2007 2:44:47 GMT -5
where?
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etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
|
Fall
Jul 31, 2007 2:47:07 GMT -5
Post by etherealshadow on Jul 31, 2007 2:47:07 GMT -5
gah! you guys didnt tell em it said gound and not ground!!
and if i put the comma there the flow wouldnt go right
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Fall
Jul 31, 2007 2:50:48 GMT -5
Post by me on Jul 31, 2007 2:50:48 GMT -5
Never mind then...hmm...
I never noticed the gound ground thing...I live with my asian mother! She misspells everything so I've learned to gloss over it unless I'm prepared to rip it apart ahead of time
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