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Post by Sphinx on Aug 1, 2007 15:53:53 GMT -5
_________________________________________Intro_____________________________________________
Red and white cloaks flew by like bats in the night. Through thick leaves she could see nothing but blurs of color flashing before her eyes.
A firm hand covered the girl’s mouth hoping to muffle any cries that may escape her. She was so young, so frail, and it was a mother’s duty to ensure the safety of her young. Cold sapphire tears dripped to the grassy carpet beneath her, she could feel her heart pounding heavily in her ears.
Footsteps drew nearer and the woman hid her child deeper within the lush vines of the forest so that she could raise herself as a distraction.
The small girl clung to the roots of an old oak tree that towered above the ground. She couldn’t see anything now, but she could hear what was happening around her which frightened her even more.
A shrill shriek pierced the air rattling the forest to its heart, shortly followed by a loud shuddering thud.
Vines fell swiftly to the ground with each sweep of a long curved saif. Deep breaths could not suppress the wide eyed fear which consumed the small lass. Her perpetrator drew ever closer, a sadistic smile plastered upon his face. A bright red cloak adorned his back, it had no hood but was covered in ornate designs of the blackest black. Dark wavy hair was matted to his forehead; cold brown eyes were large and wickedly intent. The male seemed to shake, anxious to take the head of his soon to be trophy.
Masumi tightened her grip on the moist oak roots and closed her eyes tightly, afraid of what would come next. The sound was swift and high pitched before yet another thud shook the frigid air, warm crimson blood splattered the girls face and her pale green eyes opened once again, wincing slightly, still expecting to feel the cold metal at her throat.
His eyes were still wide, and his lips pulled back in a tight smile, but any color that may have shown in the bony mans face a moment before had been drained through his temples; the long wooden arrow permanently embedded in his skull.
Horror flushed swiftly through Masumi as her head jerked swiftly back and fourth in small motions, a terrified look stained her soft face and her emotions ran loose. Tiny nails dug deep into the top of her head and a loud scream echoed through the darkness. Her body trembled as she stood, each movement abrupt and sketchy.
_______________________________________Chapter One________________________________________
Masumi sat up swiftly with cold sweat dripping down her body. She lay back down for a moment, trembling she cradled her head in her hands.
“It must have been a bad dream,” a soft soothing voice came from the foot of the bed, “You were thrashing about all night in your sleep, dear.”
Looking up from her hands Masumi saw the old maid place a hot water bottle beneath her feet. “Thank you,” she wondered why the woman was always there. She always seemed to be looking after her, she did not have to do so. So why did she?
A loud crack rang in Masumi’s ears as their mistress slammed the horse crop against the rotting door frame.
“Come child!” her voice was shrill and scratchy, it would have made a deaf man’s ears bleed.
Masumi rose slowly, her dusty white gown following in the small breeze her strides made. The house she lived in with the maid and other servants was old and stuffy, everything seemed to be falling apart. Humidity made the walls buckle and crack.
All of the servants stayed in one room except for Masumi and the old maid who shared a separate room off in the corner of the house. They were the prized servants of the mistress, the ones she had found instead of paying for. They worked harder than any of the others, always under watch. The others shunned them because of their favor. They had better living conditions, but it was only because they cleaned up after themselves instead of letting their room rot away to nothing.
“You are to join me tonight. We will be giving a ball and you must wear your nicest gown!” the mistress brought her riding crop down hard on Masumis shoulder. Having been struck so many times the pain hardly registered to her anymore, instead of yelping as Ms. Hilda would have wanted Masumi shrugged it off.
Bluntly Masumi replied, “I don’t have any ball gowns milady.”
The woman turned sharply and glared at her, “Maid go out and buy the child a gown.” She tossed a small bag of coins at the old lady and rushed out of the little shack towards a large building that stood nearly a hundred yards off.
Masumi took the coins from the maid, "I'm not going."
She grabbed a pail and threw the bag to the side as she went out of the door.
The maid leaned out after her, "You have to go madam. You don't understand, this could be your only chance to earn enough favor with our mistress..."
"Earn enough favor for what? I don't want her favor and I don't need her favor, I'm fine on my own.", Masumi retorted.
"Ah but you are not on your own, she is watching all of us every move we make, she sees it."
Masumi’s eyes rolled mockingly, 'What does that crazy old woman think she's talking about now?', she had grown so accustomed to hearing the maids cryptic words that she rarely paid her any mind.
Slowly she turned around and started off to fill her pail again.
The sun was already high in the sky, it must have been somewhere between ten and twelve of the clock. Dry grass stung the bottom of Masumis heels as she moved sluggishly across the empty field.
When she finally reached the river she plunged the pail into its cold waters heaving a large sum up to carry back to the shack.
The fire was already built beneath a large tub, all Masumi had to do was fill it.
After several trips the tub was full. Masumi waited until steam rose from its surface before crawling inside. The dense foggy steam clouded the room and helped her to relax. She dreamt of a place far away where she could be free. She had always longed to be free from this place, everything around her, even the maid, reminded her of shackles and broad chains.
When she was finished bathing Masumi pulled the same dusty white gown she always wore over her head. The maid had cleaned it for her and pulled out all of the water so it was only slightly moist to the touch.
Sitting down Masumi picked up a jagged wooden brush and pulled it through her hair listening to the tangles pop and break as it tore through them. To keep the humidity from turning her long dark mane into a rats nest she pulled it back and tied it off with a thin piece of fabric she had pulled from one of the bags their food came in.
The girl was about to walk out of the door when once again the maid stopped her, this time shoving the small bag into her hand. "Just think about it.", her voice was hushed as if she were speaking to an infant. She expected Masumi to buy a gown for the ball, the girl had not allowed the maid, the person left in charge of the gown, to buy it. Now it was her responcibility.
Taking the bag reluctantly Masumi headed off to the market place to buy milk and eggs for their breakfast the rest of this week. Before she could reach the grocers something bright in the seamstress’ window caught her eye. An elegant ball gown stood, framed beautifully in the window.
It was gorgeous, the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. A nauseating temptation clawed at the pit of her stomach. Masumi shook her head, ‘No’, she told herself silently and continued off towards the grocers. She was so caught up thinking about the gown and all that the maid had said, she forgot to pay and left the grocer with a bag filled with stolen eggs and milk bottles.
She hurried home and made lunch for everyone with what was left from the day before. Bread, ham and cheese was passed around the shack and everyone went for water from a near by stream.
"What seems to be the hurry dear?" the old maid asked through a mouthful of bread. Her manners were far from satisfactory, but no one in the shack minded. Most of them were ill-mannered all in the same way. Muffled conversations went back and forth across the room as people spoke through their meals.
"I'm going out again." Masumi stated quickly and rushed out once more with the small sack of coins clinched tightly in the palm of her hand. She hadn’t eaten anything. The girl wasn’t hungry, or at least she didn’t realize it.
Standing outside of the seamstress’ place Masumi stared at the bright red gown again. It was truly a sight to be seen. Long sleeves reached down tightly to the wrists of the wooden figure, the shoulders were puffs of beaded material. A wide pleated skirt draped over the waistline and spread out across the floor, further in the back than in the front. Small golden sequins wrapped around the waist and neck. It gave the dress the illusion of having a fine belt and elegant necklace. Their curves followed the rounded v-shape that seemed to be consistent with the entirety of the dress.
Masumi pushed the door open and walked in, small light steps kept her unnoticed until she approached the front desk.
"Yes? How may I help you?", the seamstress peered over the edge of a small book that she had been reading before Masumi made herself known.
Masumi did not ask for the dress in the window, instead she wanted to know, "Can you make a ball gown for me?"
A sudden light of excitement flashed across the seamstress’ face, "Why no one has asked me to make a dress for them in ages." She smiled broadly pushing her glasses up on the bridge of her nose. "How much money do you have child?" It would cost more to have a custom dress made than it would to buy one the woman had pre-made in the shop.
Masumi placed the sack of coins on the desk before her, "Will this be enough?" She had pulled out a few of the coins earlier on and hid them deep within her dress. It was her intention to buy something else afterwards, but she would give them up if need be.
The seamstress weighed the bag in the center of her hand before spinning around in her chair to open a large cabinet. "Choose whatever fabrics you would like. Later if you would like any embroidery designs we will discuss the possibilities after the gown is made."
Gaping Masumi stepped past the desk and took a closer look at each roll of fabric. They were all beautiful in their own way, some made of silk, others made of cotton. Many had sleek designs already, but the ones she was interested in were solid in color.
Masumi slid a long finger across a bright turquoise silk that she had found in the back of the cabinet. "You like that one do you?" the seamstress stood looking over Masumi’s shoulder.
"Yes ma’am.", she nodded as the lady took up the fabric and set it to the side.
"Now then I'll need to take your measurements."
She was uncomfortable having someone so close to her, but if it meant that she could have her gown sooner Masumi was willing to endure.
After guiding the seamstress through the construction of her gown, also taking a few tips, they were ready to discuss embroideries.
"You have enough allowance with this garment to choose a nice embroidery if you would like to look through the books?" she pointed a crooked finger to the shelves at the side of the store.
"No I already know what I want." Masumi pointed to the red gown in the window and took a note-pad and quill from the desk. She drew a rough example of what she was looking for.
A strange smile spread across the woman’s lips, "I believe I have an assistant that can give you what you seek."
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Post by Sphinx on Aug 1, 2007 16:18:52 GMT -5
Okay... I see some of the places I've messed up --_--
.... I believe seamstresses is not the word I was looking for.... I was trying to say "it belongs to the seamstress" etc., but I can't remember if that's seamstress's or seamstress' or something like that... and ending with an s only makes it more difficult for me to tell
It is long... yes... but I believe that part is good, or it would be if I wasn't so bloody repetitive. I need help fixing that problem though. I'm not sure how to make the "she", "her" yada yada less repetitive so if anyone can give me a hint or something... I would appreciate it greatly.
Yes I do look for constructive criticism. I hate it when people try to candy coat everything.
Also... I think it's a little to feminine *sigh* or at least so far --_--
I mean I kinda like it, and the more I go back and read it the more I like it but I keep seeing all of these flaws... and I'm not sure I'm even seeing all of them
If you can find anything else please tell me, I'm willing to learn There Me are you happy?... I've posted the first... erm.... thingy for you ;D.... even if there is a lot wrong with it
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Post by Uesugi on Aug 1, 2007 17:55:28 GMT -5
covered the girls mouth hoping to Girl's she was so young, so frail, and it was a mothers duty to ensure the safety of her young. Make this its own sentence. Cold sapphire tears Comma between cold and sapphire... And I really hold sapphire is describing shape. If not, then... grassy floor, she could feel her heart pounding heavily in her ears. Either use a semi-colon to separate these two, or make the second part a new sentence. grassy floor You know, just realized... If they are in the wild, floor is the wrong word... which frightened her even more. This could be made to sound much better. A shrill shriek pierced the air as a short blade would pierce babies flesh This makes no sense what-so-ever. Definitely revise. her perpetrator drew ever closer, a sadistic smile plastered upon his face. new bloody sentence. warm crimson blood splattered the girls face and her pale green eyes opened once again, wincing slightly, still expecting to feel the cold metal at her throat. new sentence. bony mans face a moment before Man's she wondered why the woman was always there, she always seemed to be looking after her, she wasn't her daughter. First part is a single sentence. Bold is a sentence, last part needs to be made to flow well with the bold part. a deaf mans ears bleed. Man's was old and windless Windowless A loud crack rang in Masumis ears Masumi's (or for the adventurous "Masumi no mimi)
She tossed a small bag of coins at the old lady and rushed out of the little shack towards a large building that stood nearly a hundred yards off.
Masumi took the coins from the maid, "I'm not going."
1. If the maid was to go get the gown, why does Masumi have the coins? 2. Who exactly rushed out of the little shack?
it must have been somewhere between ten and twelve of the clock. New sentence. "You have to go madam. You don't understand, this could be your only chance to earn enough favor with our mistress..." This piece of dialogue comes from no where. I'm fine on my own.", Get rid of the period and place the comma inside the quotes. Masumi returned to the river and refilled her pail. 'What does that crazy old woman think she's talking about now?', she had grown so accustomed to hearing the maids cryptic words that she rarely paid her any mind. All right, so... Single quotes are only for quoting someone inside of quotes... you don't need a comma if you have punctuation inside the dialogue, thought, what ever, and I think what comes after the thought ought to be a new sentence. "Just think about it.", "Just think about it," Uesugi taunted, "appropriate punctuation, and dialogue that doesn't seem tacked on." Taking the bag reluctantly Masumi headed off to the market place to buy milk and eggs. Comma after reluctantly, and why is she going to that market after taking a bath? She hurried home and made lunch for everyone I am curious: is this a plantation of sorts? she stated quickly and rushed out once more with the small sack of coins clinched Clenched... And why is she rushing off during the middle of the meal? outside of the seamstresses place Seamstress' she had been reading a book before Masumi walked in. New sentence... Or, alternatively, mention her glancing up from the book. "Why no one has asked me to make a dress for them in ages." Why is she still in business? if you would like any embroidery designs we will discuss the possibilities after the gown is made. New sentence. she had found in the back of the cabinete. Cabinet Yes ma-am Ma'am is a contraction(?) of Madam. Thus apostrophe instead of hyphen. (unless you write can't as can-t...) spread across the womans lips Woman's It is long... yes... It can't be more than five pages. Five pages is short... I'm not sure how to make the "she", "her" yada yada less repetitive Referring to her by occupation, as "the girl", etc. and I'm not sure I'm even seeing all of them My hands and eyes agree with you here. If you can find anything else please tell me, I'm willing to learn Then you're already a step ahead of most...
First: how needed is the intro to be entirely separate. It would work just as good, and there is no real reason for it to be separate, especially if it is a dream. Second: Learn what constitutes a sentence, learn about comma splices, etc. You have a bad habit of attacking two full blown sentences with a comma. You need to stop that. Also, on grammar, "Anything that is spoken, like this, is connected like this," said Uesugi. No periods inside with commas outside. If there is no, er, dialogue tag, then simply end it with a period inside the quotes without the comma outside. Same goes with all punctuation.
Another thing: some of the dialogue felt tacked on, especially coming from that old maid. It came out of the blue, especially about that dress. It doesn't matter if one is cryptic, still try to have things have relevance to what is going on. Describe the setting. I hardly understand where exactly this is taking place... Is it a plantation, a workhouse, what? I don't have the slightest clue what anyone or anything seems to look like. No buildings are described, etc.
There were a few inconsistencies and leaps in logic as well. Why was the maid told to go get the gown, and then Masumi is charged with the task? Why does Masumi rush off during the middle of lunch/dinner? Why does Masumi take a bath in the middle of the day, especially if she is a servant? Even if she is a favorite, she would still have to do her duties. And, one thing that has bothered me: why is a killer, in the middle of a forest, using an arabian weapon to attack a family with japanese names, while they seem to live in some sort of western village?
I like the story. it seems different from everything else here, though I think that may or may not change. I can't wait for the next update.
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Post by Sphinx on Aug 1, 2007 21:17:34 GMT -5
Okay thanks for the input.... but first off some of what you seem to be having difficulty with is only because the story isn't finished. Such as the Introduction.... it isn't supposed to be a dream, but that is how she is remembering it --_-- I was hoping not to have to give any parts of the story away so soon seeing that this is supposed to be found at the end, but I don't want you to think I'm that ignorant. It's supposed to have actually happened to her, she just can't remember that it really happened. Right now it's just a recurring dream to her... instead of a memory which is what in actuality it is. "You have to go madam. You don't understand, this could be your only chance to earn enough favor with our mistress..." This piece of dialogue comes from no where. Not nesicerally.... in case you missed "I'm not going." a while before that.... that is where that came from. This part of the story is supposed to be based around Masumi, I tend to have a more... camera-like perception and hover around one character at a time, which means that I couldn't (you understand... I could... but it wouldn't fit in the particular style) say 'The maid fumbled around in her mind trying to figure out how to convince Masumi to go to the ball. Finally she got up the courage to run after her. "You have to go madam...." 'And the reason I write girls instead of girl's is because the way I was taught girl's means that something belongs to the girl.... but yes I admit that I've never been very good with punctuation... or spelling for that matter. she wondered why the woman was always there, she always seemed to be looking after her, she wasn't her daughter. First part is a single sentence. Bold is a sentence, last part needs to be made to flow well with the bold part. Alright I can deal with that, but how would I make the last part flow? was old and windless Windowless Nope. I meant what I said. ...old and windless.... No wind... tight, sealed off, stuffy.... should I give more examples? grassy floor You know, just realized... If they are in the wild, floor is the wrong word... *sigh* I'm sorry, but I have to disagree. I forget what you call it.... it's a writing tool.... almost metaphor, but not..... when you use another word to describe something similar to what you are talking about. A shrill shriek pierced the air as a short blade would pierce babies flesh This makes no sense what-so-ever. Definitely revise. What? Would you rather me say "as a knife cuts through warm butter"?... that is over used. A loud crack rang in Masumis ears Masumi's (or for the adventurous "Masumi no mimi) You'll have to help me understand this... grassy floor, she could feel her heart pounding heavily in her ears. Either use a semi-colon to separate these two, or make the second part a new sentence. Ah... I never have quite understood what simicolons were for.... Could you give me a rule for them or something? That way I can try and make it stick? Masumi took the coins from the maid, "I'm not going."
1. If the maid was to go get the gown, why does Masumi have the coins? 2. Who exactly rushed out of the little shack?1) Exactly. That's why Masumi took the coins from her... "I'm not going.... (to the ball)" 2) first it was the mistress... then it was Masumi *shrugs* About all of the quotation and comma things... I thought if it was the end of someones sentence you were supposed to put a period or a question mark... even if it was in quotations. Was I mistaken? Is there a reason you don't put end marks in quotations? It isn't exactly a plantation... unless you would call a strange old lady with an over grown house and a lot of people to work around the house a plantation. Taking the bag reluctantly Masumi headed off to the market place to buy milk and eggs. Comma after reluctantly, and why is she going to that market after taking a bath? Does it really matter why?... 1) It's a fictional story... and 2) I for one think you shouldn't go anywhere without being clean. Is it a bad thing that I thought it would be nice to add a little cleanliness to the story? I mean isn't it bad enough that they have to wear the same thing every day? outside of the seamstresses place Seamstress' Thank you. she stated quickly and rushed out once more with the small sack of coins clinched Clenched... And why is she rushing off during the middle of the meal? Have you ever been excited about anything??? "Why no one has asked me to make a dress for them in ages." Why is she still in business? Do I really need to emphasise that she is a seamstress?... Not exactly the same thing as a tailor. She makes cloths... she sells them. No one has asked her to tailor a dress for them.... Yes ma-am Ma'am is a contraction(?) of Madam. Thus apostrophe instead of hyphen. (unless you write can't as can-t...) Thanks. It is long... yes... It can't be more than five pages. Five pages is short... Short for a story.... short for a chapter.... but compared to many of the other first posts etc. it is long. And in case you hadn't realized that so far there is no angel it is not a completed story. and I'm not sure I'm even seeing all of them My hands and eyes agree with you here. I'm sorry about that I didn't mean for it to be so difficult to read If there is no, er, dialogue tag, then simply end it with a period inside the quotes without the comma outside. Same goes with all punctuation. What is a dialogue tag? Another thing: some of the dialogue felt tacked on, especially coming from that old maid. It came out of the blue, especially about that dress. It doesn't matter if one is cryptic, still try to have things have relevance to what is going on. Describe the setting. I hardly understand where exactly this is taking place... Is it a plantation, a workhouse, what? I don't have the slightest clue what anyone or anything seems to look like. No buildings are described, etc. I'm sorry... I just don't like to describe those sort of things so early on.... once the book is further I will... but I haven't gotten there yet. Why was the maid told to go get the gown, and then Masumi is charged with the task? She wasn't charged, she took it into her own hands. Why does Masumi take a bath in the middle of the day, especially if she is a servant? Because it's a rich woman (who isn't actually human if you must know so soon --_--) and doesn't really need the servants, she just likes to be able to show off her wealth *sigh* and they only take a bath around once a week.... I just decided to go ahead with that why is a killer, in the middle of a forest, using an Arabian weapon to attack a family with Japanese names, while they seem to live in some sort of western village? Fictional stories don't have to make that much sense do they?... I had intended to make my own sort of era I'm sorry if I seem to be fighting back, but I'm only trying to learn... and in some instances see if what you're poking at isn't just because I have a... different... writing style.. or because I'm not that far into the story. *sigh* Thank you for all of your input... I'm sorry that it's so messed up I'm only good at.... well I can't even say I'm good at getting ideas or emotions across in this can I? Again I don't really mean to sound so harsh in coming back at this I tend to be a little sensitive and I really do love criticism. I just wish I understood it all better
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Post by Uesugi on Aug 1, 2007 22:14:49 GMT -5
Such as the Introduction.... it isn't supposed to be a dream, but that is how she is remembering it --_-- I was hoping not to have to give any parts of the story away so soon seeing that this is supposed to be found at the end, but I don't want you to think I'm that ignorant. It's supposed to have actually happened to her, she just can't remember that it really happened. Right now it's just a recurring dream to her... instead of a memory which is what in actuality it is. No, I understand. Prologues are prologues for whatever they are worth. It is simply that usually, from what I've seen in published and non-published works, the prologue can usually just be another chapter. But that is entirely irrelevant. I'm simply saying it would make more sense if she had said this, say, closer to the event itself, not after Masumi had gone out to do some task, and then was told this when she helped the old maid. Does her mouth not belong her? Would I not say "my mouth"? It feels tacked on, so re-word it, I figure. Consider, perhaps: She wasn't sure why the woman was always there for her, looking after her. She wasn't her daughter, just another servant(?). The problem may have been just how you presented it. We often forget that, even in writing, presentation is everything. I've never heard the word windless in that context, and I think stuffy would have been a better term, in that case. That can be a metaphor without like or as, simile with... However, it just doesn't have... I think I'll leave this one be because I'm a wee bit exhausted. "like" and "as" have an appropriate times to be used. Think, what sounds better: "As heavy as bricks" or "Like heavy bricks"? Same here. It sounds incredibly confusing. If you are going to use 'as', a good rule of thumb is that you'll use it twice. Otherwise use 'like'. Also, it should be baby's... And the simile is simply off-the-wall. I'd figure someone who uses a Japanese name spoke some Japanese at the very least. (And it means Masumi's ear) I've always been taught that they connect two independent clauses (i.e. a complete sentence) that can stand alone, but, er, make-sense, if you will, together. That make sense? For example: I went to the pool; I was informed that it was closed. This sentence is comprised of two sentences that share a relationship, but don't otherwise fit. it's like a super comma. Wait, so, Masumi has the coins because the maid was going to get the gown? She is never shown having taken the coins, if I recall correctly... "Ah, but you can!" Uesugi exclaimed. "But you see," he continued, "you never, ever, put the comma out side the quotes. Never ever. If it ends in an exclamation, or a question mark, then there is no comma." Uesugi sighed, muttering something to himself. "But, if there is a dialogue, like said or murmured, after a given piece of dialogue, you never end that with a period, only a comma," Uesugi finished. Make sense, or do I need to say more? Well, you haven't exactly described to us what it is, and what Masumi's role is there. Is she a slave? A cook? An indentured-servant? We're not given any real idea, just left to guess. Oh, silly me! Excuse me for thinking stories should make some bloody sense! It is so obvious that they shouldn't. By golly, I guess my sailer never needs to bother with getting fresh water or fruit! He can live on whiskey and fish! Oh my, thanks for the tip! ... Now that that is out of my system: so what? There still has to be logic. Assuming there are plenty of servants/whatever, it'll dry up the well/cost money to let them all take a bath whenever. Also, if this society can be compared to pre-twentieth century Earth, then cleanliness won't really matter, or be feasible. Yes, and I could still wait through dinner... though my main problem was more that it just seemed to come out of no where. She immediately went back to get a gown, something she said she wouldn't do. I consider five pages short for a chapter and intro, regardless of if it is or isn't a first post. Just because it is long compared to the first chapters of the majority of the site doesn't mean it is long. Don't worry. There has been worse, though they're generally shorter, so I don't see the same errors spammed at me constantly. A dialogue tag is something like: said, gasped, coughed, winced, grimaces, asked, exclaimed, etc. It is used to tell how someone is saying something or who is saying it. Okay... So everything from how buildings look to the climate, surroundings, etc. is important to the plot? Granted I'm not big on description either, it can help. Then show that and don't leave us to guess that. It was never mentioned. Right... so she chooses to take her bath before going out to town on what is probably a normal task? Now, this may just be me, but if I had one bath a week, I would choose carefully when I used it. To a degree, they do, actually. Though I'll wait before I press this issue... We've only heard the name of one character, after all... I've never heard of the setting being a key, unknowable part of the plot, to be honest. It has always been a thing that seemed like it could be shown whenever, preferably sooner to show the reader the world the author is creating... but then again maybe I've been disillusioned by whatever forces of fate have taught me. It isn't messed up... There are stories on here that are far worse. You at least believe in writing longer updates, which I find much more engaging and much more key to developing plot.
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Post by Sphinx on Aug 1, 2007 23:56:44 GMT -5
Sorry... I would quote you too just to make it easier to read... but I'm too lazy to try and do that No, I understand. Prologues are prologues for whatever they are worth. It is simply that usually, from what I've seen in published and non-published works, the prologue can usually just be another chapter. But that is entirely irrelevant.*giggles* Read the first part of The Hunting Season... It starts in an Introduction the same way this story does .... but just so you know... you may not want to read far past the Introduction with that book .... it's a bad book.... well written.... but.... mean as in sexual harassment and abuse mean I'm simply saying it would make more sense if she had said this, say, closer to the event itself, not after Masumi had gone out to do some task, and then was told this when she helped the old maid.Yes that is true for a story.... perhaps it would be one of the stories that makes more sense when read twice. Does her mouth not belong her? Would I not say "my mouth"?Ah... for some reason it had not fully registered to me that "girl's" was referring to her mouth *sweat drop*... you see this is why I need to study English more It feels tacked on, so re-word it, I figure. Consider, perhaps: She wasn't sure why the woman was always there for her, looking after her. She wasn't her daughter, just another servant(?). The problem may have been just how you presented it. We often forget that, even in writing, presentation is everything.Perhaps this is an example of some of the skill I have lost over the years. Used to be that I didn't care how long something was as long as I got the point across.... I believe that these days I may try too hard to make something easier to read, and thus I actually make it more difficult .... And could you explain "tacked on"? That can be a metaphor without like or as, simile with... However, it just doesn't have... I think I'll leave this one be because I'm a wee bit exhausted.I vaguely understand your point in this... you see a floor as something made of wood or carpet. I see it as something to stand on... I'm not sure why.... It's just the way I've always seen it... To me the floor is the ground... the ground is the floor etc. I guess one reason is because when I was younger I would daydream about forest creatures... their floor was the ground. *shrugs* "like" and "as" have an appropriate times to be used. Think, what sounds better: "As heavy as bricks" or "Like heavy bricks"? Same here. It sounds incredibly confusing. If you are going to use 'as', a good rule of thumb is that you'll use it twice. Otherwise use 'like'. Also, it should be baby's... And the simile is simply off-the-wall.I wasn't exactly trying to use a simile.... but I guess there's no other way to explain that is there? I was just comparing it to something.... which is most commonly known as either a simile or a metaphor ... but... alright. I'd figure someone who uses a Japanese name spoke some Japanese at the very least. (And it means Masumi's ear)I speak very very very very little Japanese. I would like to learn more, but most of what I have is only for shopping and hotels etc. ... business type things *dies* and I don't pay too much attention to that... I only know simple phrases.... or small words ^^' I've always been taught that they connect two independent clauses (i.e. a complete sentence) that can stand alone, but, er, make-sense, if you will, together. That make sense? For example: I went to the pool; I was informed that it was closed. This sentence is comprised of two sentences that share a relationship, but don't otherwise fit. it's like a super comma.Ah thank you that does make sense. Wait, so, Masumi has the coins because the maid was going to get the gown? She is never shown having taken the coins, if I recall correctly...*laughs fondly* Ah finally something I can be sure of... she was shown taking the coins not once but twice... once to toss them to the side... then to go to the market place Masumi took the coins from the maid, "I'm not going."She was about to walk out of the door when once again the maid stopped her, this time shoving the small bag into her hand. "Just think about it.", her voice was hushed as if she were speaking to an infant.
Taking the bag reluctantly Masumi headed off to the market place to buy milk and eggs."Ah, but you can!" Uesugi exclaimed. "But you see," he continued, "you never, ever, put the comma out side the quotes. Never ever. If it ends in an exclamation, or a question mark, then there is no comma." Uesugi sighed, muttering something to himself. "But, if there is a dialogue, like said or murmured, after a given piece of dialogue, you never end that with a period, only a comma," Uesugi finished. Make sense, or do I need to say more?... I... think I understand.... Yes I'm fairly certain I understand.... thank you. Well, you haven't exactly described to us what it is, and what Masumi's role is there. Is she a slave? A cook? An indentured-servant? We're not given any real idea, just left to guess.*shifty eyes*.... that's because I only know what it feels like.... I don't know what to call it.... in my mind the name is a Manor.... but I am not sure what that is *shrugs* *sweat drop* Oh, silly me! Excuse me for thinking stories should make some bloody sense! It is so obvious that they shouldn't. By golly, I guess my sailor never needs to bother with getting fresh water or fruit! He can live on whiskey and fish! Oh my, thanks for the tip! ... Now that that is out of my system: so what? There still has to be logic. Assuming there are plenty of servants/whatever, it'll dry up the well/cost money to let them all take a bath whenever. Also, if this society can be compared to pre-twentieth century Earth, then cleanliness won't really matter, or be feasible. I have the strangest feeling that I may have offended you in some way here? I did not mean to. But you see perhaps I have read too many fictional child's stories. Yes it all must have some measure of logic.... but why should I not be allowed to bend the laws of nature?... Why could I not make my own world? I believe that that is one of the many advantages of being able to write... you can make things that wouldn't usually be real seem real. Please try not to think so much about reality in this.... it makes it hard for both of us to live with the story And hopefully now that you know what the mistress is (from the pm) it may possibly by some chance of luck make more sense to you now?.... *puppy eyes* Yes, and I could still wait through dinner... though my main problem was more that it just seemed to come out of no where. She immediately went back to get a gown, something she said she wouldn't do.True that at first she was hesitant to get the gown because she did not want to go to the ball.... but I thought that I may have made the allure of the gown framed in the seamstress' window apparent enough that it would be understandable that she wanted to go back.... and her forgetting to pay for the milk and eggs (please don't question me about that part... it will become relevant later on) I consider five pages short for a chapter and intro, regardless of if it is or isn't a first post. Just because it is long compared to the first chapters of the majority of the site doesn't mean it is long.The point I was trying to hint at before you said this is that I'm not even sure that I am finished with that chapter. It is possible that I am... but I really just posted it to that point because Me wanted me to put it up.... Understand... perhaps a little better? Don't worry. There has been worse, though they're generally shorter, so I don't see the same errors spammed at me constantly. Spammed?... Then why did you not delete the post if it is spam?.... Spam is meant to be trashed is it not? A dialogue tag is something like: said, gasped, coughed, winced, grimaces, asked, exclaimed, etc. It is used to tell how someone is saying something or who is saying it.Alright thanks Okay... So everything from how buildings look to the climate, surroundings, etc. is important to the plot? Granted I'm not big on description either, it can help.Yep everything.... well except maybe climate... is in some way important to the plot ;D And yes it can be quite helpful... I guess I just like stories with more suspension better than the ones that shoot you with everything immediately (owch... it's almost painful for me) Then show that and don't leave us to guess that. It was never mentioned.The first time she took the bag (when she took it away from the maid) is when it was suddenly out of the maids hands.... then when the maid gave her the bag again before she went out to the market it had been made Masumi's responsibility... the maid said, "Think about it." This was her trying to give Masumi a hint.... telling her to buy a dress Right... so she chooses to take her bath before going out to town on what is probably a normal task? Now, this may just be me, but if I had one bath a week, I would choose carefully when I used it.*sigh* I see your point... honestly, but I just sorta prefer it like this I'm sorry if that bothers you.... but I'm going to have to simi-quote my mother and art teacher on this.... "It is how the artist sees the work, even if the rest of the world does not understand the artist should paint (erm... write) the picture (story) the way they feel is best for the outcome." It may be a small effect... but perhaps you will eventually be able to see my reasoning ... and even if you can not "The only person that liked Vangoh's work while he was alive was his brother."... and perhaps that will be me... for my own writing.... ;D To a degree, they do, actually. Though I'll wait before I press this issue... We've only heard the name of one character, after all...*cough* Two... Having been struck so many times the pain hardly registered to her anymore, instead of yelping as Ms. Hilda would have wanted Masumi shrugged it off. The mistress And what I meant by not having to make sense is... "Is it a problem if I make my own era for the story?... I have read many stories that have their own era..." I've never heard of the setting being a key, unknowable part of the plot, to be honest. It has always been a thing that seemed like it could be shown whenever, preferably sooner to show the reader the world the author is creating... but then again maybe I've been disillusioned by whatever forces of fate have taught me.Well actually I've kinda described the setting a little.... a little.... very little.... but it will fall into place *nods* It isn't messed up... There are stories on here that are far worse. You at least believe in writing longer updates, which I find much more engaging and much more key to developing plot.*nervous laughter* Yes so I've noticed ^^'... at least it gives me more of an opportunity to learn
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Post by Uesugi on Aug 2, 2007 1:10:52 GMT -5
Yes that is true for a story.... perhaps it would be one of the stories that makes more sense when read twice. Yes, I suppose there are those type of stories. However, here, not very many will read a story twice, unfortunately... sometimes not even once. Tacked-on as in it seems as if it was placed there as an after-thought or simply because it had to happen. Eh... just change it to like and don't think about it. Eeto... Nihongo no kurasu wo ikimasu ka? I'll concede my point, but you provided the wrong example. Though, after looking over the questionable spot, managed to find it. If you ever revise this once you're finished with it all, I would suggest showing a more mental decision, too. A gnawing feeling that begins to work on her. Spam as in repeated a lot. I mean, most of my corrections were comma splices. I suppose I am somewhat the same, preferring to imagine the world than be told about it. So I'll concede this point... Well, fi you don't see a linguistic problem with the names Masumi and Hilda developing in the same area then I won't try to stop you... As much as I want to. The goal of the fantasy writer is to create a fantastic world. A world where, yes, anything can happen, but where differences shouldn't be passed off. If wells are endless and money loose, then it can be explained away, but sometimes the reader shouldn't have to assume that these differences exist. I once read a story (on here) where the main character, in a world where there are no clocks, or have been none until that point, I guess, is able to tell the time, in the morning. No sundial is that good, and it seems unreasonable for a clock to just pop up. I myself have written a story where a horse goes three days without water or food through a desert. It's a logical leap. Not once did I ever mention the repercussions of that, the reasons. The point is, as fantasy writers, when we create the fantastic, change reality to fantasy, we need to make sure the readers knows what we're doing, knows these differences, etc. And, in regards to your quote: We can paint our stories however we please, but we should try to paint them well. For example, you wouldn't put a deus ex machina purposefully into a story (or you shouldn't). They ruin it. They take away what has been built up to and toss it away. It's like when writers hand their characters all the skills they need to survive through a week of training/some weird ritual. it is pointless, bland, etc. Some advice I've cherished a lot, and something you should consider as you move forward, and one day write other stories: As fantasy writers, we create the fantastic. Our goal is to bring the reader to a new world, to transport them their. We want that world to be living, breathing. We want them immersed in it. Remove the story from the world, and reason this through. If something happens only because the plot requires it, then it is happening for the wrong reasons. Chance encounters can be chance, but if there is no reason for one party or the other to be there, then they shouldn't be. Let the world come alive. If the main character is let go by the villain, or is let live but captured, then make sure the reasons for not killing him can stand when the plot is removed. That is almost word for word what I read once on a writing site. Basically, if you want your art to be the best, make sure that every "necessary" action can still be there if the plot didn't require it to happen.
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Post by Sphinx on Aug 2, 2007 1:53:16 GMT -5
I will use your advice and edit the story as it is so far *nods* For now I am tired and fear that is all that I can do (Edit:) Alright.... I think I've fixed most of the flaws you pointed out. If you see any more let me know. Same goes for everyone else... if you see anything that needs to be fixed tell me... I'll try to fix it.... that is if it doesn't play a large role in the outcome of the story ;D
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Post by me on Aug 2, 2007 21:37:52 GMT -5
Wow....looks like Uesugi got all the mistakes... Sorry I missed the update
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Post by Sphinx on Aug 3, 2007 18:15:59 GMT -5
Don't worry about it ^-^ I'm just glad I can get on the computer for a while
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