etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Post by etherealshadow on Jul 31, 2007 3:20:23 GMT -5
Swiftly, swiftly now.
Gently now, quiet.
Still.
A sound.
Shh, they might hear.
Freeze in place don’t move a muscle.
Breath catches in throat, hear nothing.
Relax.
Move on.
Take three steps, hear more sounds.
Try to run.
Too slow.
Strange hand grab back of head.
Struggle.
Try to break free.
Almost escape
Cold knife slice throat.
Fall to knees.
Grip neck painfully.
Overcome by fiery pain.
Try stop bleeding.
Can’t.
Slowly.
Ever so slowly.
Slowly stop struggling.
Look down.
Blood has drenched everything.
All can see is red.
Blood red.
Fall to floor.
Eyes begin to glaze over.
No more struggle.
See shoes in corner of eye.
Hands, foot twitch.
Feet stop
Turn back.
Reach head.
Snap neck.
No struggling now.
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Post by me on Jul 31, 2007 3:22:23 GMT -5
The flow was off on this one. It jerked around, and the words didn't fit together.
It also reads more like a story then a poem.
Demented though, I like it
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etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Post by etherealshadow on Jul 31, 2007 4:05:41 GMT -5
both are rather old. i just posted a more recent one *smile*
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Post by Uesugi on Jul 31, 2007 11:50:18 GMT -5
Choose more vivid words. The poem was nice, but sometimes strong words help... do something.
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Post by lanaia74 on Aug 1, 2007 6:57:21 GMT -5
I think this work is amazing! It gave me chills!
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