etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Eyes
Jul 31, 2007 4:04:49 GMT -5
Post by etherealshadow on Jul 31, 2007 4:04:49 GMT -5
Those words Those words that should not have reached my ears The utter horror of those sweet, sweet, agonizing words that cut down my walls for guilt How effortlessly it was said How lightly those words that ravaged me were said And the eyes Ah, the eyes that said it!
They etch into my mind as the words go round inside me and i run I run from them My feet hit the pavement, taking me farther and farther from them, those eyes And all those sweet sweet now agonizing words Those words of tongue and paper Those words of paper i carry in my pocket as I see the eyes reflect the emotion I have stollen
How it ravages me That i shoudl take such exquisite happiness from a think that i had broken Broken and not given a single thought to
Now she is beside me and I see the eyes The eyes, the eyes! I do not mean to, but I see them as I turn And now the other one has returned And this one, this one! I can not bare to face this one! How tremebdous the emotion for this one And all the worse because of it All the worse it should be this one when the same emotion was reflected back in those eyes
And I fall I fall inot a blackness where i do not have the strength to pull myself back up
*********** i know, its repetative and doesnt flow well. i just dont want to fix it *smile*
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Eyes
Jul 31, 2007 4:10:20 GMT -5
Post by me on Jul 31, 2007 4:10:20 GMT -5
It flows better then the last one. Though, some of the lines were way to short, and some took the opposite road.
FYI: its spelled bare...not bere
A dark little ending though...wihch is pretty cool...
You smile a lot you know that? Actually you've told me that before so yes I think you do...
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etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Eyes
Jul 31, 2007 4:11:35 GMT -5
Post by etherealshadow on Jul 31, 2007 4:11:35 GMT -5
yes, i know! i like to smile *smiling*
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Eyes
Jul 31, 2007 4:16:34 GMT -5
Post by me on Jul 31, 2007 4:16:34 GMT -5
Grr *Smiles back* How do you like it!
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Eyes
Jul 31, 2007 11:56:02 GMT -5
Post by Uesugi on Jul 31, 2007 11:56:02 GMT -5
raveaged Ravaged farter Farther bere Bare shoudl Should inot Into
One suggestion: more commas. Other than that, I like this poem. It seemed different in some sense or another, and sometimes different can be very good.
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etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Eyes
Jul 31, 2007 19:34:04 GMT -5
Post by etherealshadow on Jul 31, 2007 19:34:04 GMT -5
mkay, got it
thank you. im not big on my poetry, i find it too wordy, but i was forced to *glares at Me*
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Eyes
Jul 31, 2007 19:37:14 GMT -5
Post by me on Jul 31, 2007 19:37:14 GMT -5
Sorry, and you can use my real name if you want to =_=
I know you know it
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