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Post by me on Aug 11, 2007 17:58:15 GMT -5
I made this one in A minute and a half Can you give me a reason? Can you tell me why? Why my son died away from home Why my daughter lost her eyesI will give you an answer I'll tell you why Your son was unworthy Your daughter was weakDid he have to die Was there any other way Did his blood have to paint the ground His life sacrificed to foreign menHe was not strong enough to live He couldn't grasp his fate The ground did not receive him He wasted his life in weakness, in dustWhy then did my daughter lose sight Why did lead replace her eyes Why does she only see visions Visions of death and painWhy did your daughter disobey us Why did she allow herself to be caught Ensnared in a ring of men Men who took away her sightWhy wasn't he strong enough to come back Why didn't she move faster Their lives could've been used better Now they are nothing
Just shadows and dust remain Of those that died accompanied by pain They defended our homes But were found lacking.
Life is unforgiving Pain a cruel master Scars decorate the past Dark paints the future
There will be nothing left When they stop fighting Nothing will be left Only shadows and dust
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Post by Uesugi on Aug 11, 2007 18:18:18 GMT -5
Saying you made it in a minute and a half doesn't make it seem any more impressive, appealing, etc. The text is annoying. Etc.
Interesting, but it could have been better. It feels a bit uninspired.
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Post by me on Aug 11, 2007 18:25:12 GMT -5
Eh, sorry about the text annoyances. Its supposed to be like a conversation between two people...
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Post by DEATH97 on Aug 12, 2007 15:18:22 GMT -5
I didn't catch the conversation part, I was wondering why the text was different between sections. Not only are these dark in origin, but they seem to be also about failure, and loss. This poem pushed forward on words alone, but I liked the content in your other one better. The constant reminder of her loss of sight felt redundant, as if you couldn't think of anything else to say, so you kept repeating that fact in different ways. It could of been a creative move on your part, but it felt like you were stretching. Still its a good poem, and better than the drivel I put out. Mine turn out like Dr Seuss on crack.
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Post by me on Aug 12, 2007 15:25:08 GMT -5
WEll, there was also a bit in there about a guy dieing, but thats a little less important =_+
And the italicized text is written from the POV of a parent, and the bold...well...thats where you start guessing and I take the answer I like best.
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Post by DEATH97 on Aug 12, 2007 15:31:35 GMT -5
I didn't say ALL you did was repeat about the girls eyes, I got the rest, and it was good. It was good, I was just using the girls eyes for an example. It was good though (Me). I'm just feeling overly critical at the moment. Its a rare thing, and it shall pass.
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Post by me on Aug 12, 2007 15:33:50 GMT -5
Aye, its ok, now I need to see which Idea I can steal for what the bold text is ^_<
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Post by BloodMoonWolf on Aug 12, 2007 19:45:17 GMT -5
It kinda reminded me of Fable a bit. What with the sister losing her eyes and seeing vision.
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Post by me on Aug 12, 2007 21:06:25 GMT -5
This is more like memories death then visions of the future
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