~Chieftain of the Dúnedain~
Intermediate
'Lord of the Rangers.'
I es Bellum Dominatio, I servo tantum pro honor,truth, and victoria![M:0]
Posts: 130
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Post by ~Chieftain of the Dúnedain~ on Oct 12, 2007 17:59:32 GMT -5
Prologue: A Lost Race
The stars were bright over Ottick, dim lights were few in it's streets. A single wary traveler stumbled through the darkness. He aimlessly walked into the inn, the guests in the inn all stopped their conversations and gawked at the unusual traveler at the door who walked to the bar where he sat on a stool. The bartender crept over, the man looked up and said, " get me some ale, elven ale."
The bartender nodded and rushed over to the ale barrels while the stranger pulled out the few gold coins he had left and placed them on the table. The bartender returned placing the ale on the table and picking up the coins, He spoke, " So.... where are you coming from?"
The traveler sipped his ale and spoke, " Crajre, I'm the head of the Royal knights, Ro-mere is my name."
The bartender stared at him "Crajre? thats an elven city... or atleast it was....were you in a battle or something there?"
Ro-mere responded "My escort had been ambushed by goblins, they were slayed but I escaped into the swamps near here. And yes I am elvish, one of the last elven knights of the Elven Republic."
The elven republic had been destroyed by an onslaught of dragons and orks over 100 years ago. A thought still vivid in his mind, his friends and family were killed there everyone of them....
Another man walked up to the bar, the bartender left Ro-mere to server another customer, but kept glancing back at him. Ro-mere drank his ale and walked out, into the darkness, the silence.....
Few elfs remained on this world, Ro-mere was one of them. Fighting back his memories of torturous death, he lay down under a tree in the forest. In anyone's right mind that's the worst place to be in this time of war, robber's , pillagers and even goblins could slay him. Ro-mere didnt care he needed sleep....
He awoke alive, the next morning checking his pockets for anything missing, bullets were still there along with his pistol. Ro-mere stood up and walked into the town he had visited the night before. He needed a gun, his old elven pistol wouldn't suffice any longer neither would his cavalry sword. He walked into the gunsmith, as the doors opened a bell chimed lettting the clerk know a customer had arrived. The clerk rushed over and in a very southern voice asked Ro-mere " and what we be lookin' for today laddie' "
Ro-mere answered solemnly "an elven sharpshooter."
The clerk studdered then replyed "a sharpshooter I have but an elven one? those are rare and are mainly used for battle..."
Ro-mere spoke "I am well aware of this, I am to join the war efforts. I believe my fighting has been long since overdue!"
The clerk walked into a back room with Ro-mere following close behind, he pulled a brand new elven sharpshooter from his case and handed it to Ro-mere who took it and looked it over thoroughly. Then said "I'll take it!"
He left the gunsmith's carrying the gun and some ammunition he had bought. Ro-mere walked to the ferry that would carry him to war......
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~Chieftain of the Dúnedain~
Intermediate
'Lord of the Rangers.'
I es Bellum Dominatio, I servo tantum pro honor,truth, and victoria![M:0]
Posts: 130
|
Post by ~Chieftain of the Dúnedain~ on Oct 12, 2007 21:02:21 GMT -5
Chapter 1: An Endless Fight
Cormas looked over the battle-field from his horse, his armies were losing. He thought to himself "by next moon the orks would have the river valley and soon Crajre. Damn! where's our reinforcements!"
The perpetual fighting between man and ork has lasted for hundreds of years, a struggle over power and control of ancient elven land once rich in grain and corn now a battle-scarred wasteland, filled with dead bodies. A no-mans land. The cannon fire rang in Cormas ears as he sat watching, he men were now retreating back the ridge, many falling to the gunfire of the orks.
He threw his binoculars to the ground smashing them. Anger boiled within him. He decided to finnally give it up, he shouted "Fall back to the Delta! We make our stand there!"
With a kick of spurs he was off towards the Criu river. His officers were following close behind. A shattered cavalry division followed. It was almost mid-day, the time when the fighting was most ferocious. Cormas vey well knew this. He Shouted "Cannons fire at the ridge as soon as the orks reach it!"
Orks reached the ridge and under the command of Cormas fired, sending dirt and orks flying through the air. The soldiers reloaded and continued to fire up at the ridge. Cormas was rallying his routed ranks when mortar shells began to fire from the ridge "Damn them.. damn them all!" The general shouted as mortar fragments began to rip through his newly restored ranks. Through all the confusion and explosions Cormas cried out "Charge!"
He drew his sword and rushed ahead of his foot-soldiers, acompanied by his officiers also on orse-back they attempted to charge up the ridge, through mortar shells and gunfire they reached the ridge with minor casualties. As they reached the ridge the general heard a faint horn the east.... Their reinforcements had come! The ork captains were attempting to stop their fleeing soldiers but mothing could be done. Cormas continued his charge down the ridge. Bullets flying everywhere, one striking Cormas in the leg. The pain was intense and the bleeding was uncontollable. Through it Cormas kept riding determined to drive the enemy away from the river!
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Post by me on Oct 13, 2007 4:05:56 GMT -5
Hmm, this seems like an interesting world...
Same errors you usually make, no comma before someone speaks and you have somme spacing issues with the quotation marks.
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~Chieftain of the Dúnedain~
Intermediate
'Lord of the Rangers.'
I es Bellum Dominatio, I servo tantum pro honor,truth, and victoria![M:0]
Posts: 130
|
Post by ~Chieftain of the Dúnedain~ on Oct 13, 2007 9:21:38 GMT -5
Okay, i always do that for some reason. Anyways i edited it and added some more.
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Post by me on Oct 13, 2007 12:32:40 GMT -5
OK, one typo where you spelled horse orse, and you still need the commas with your speech.
Also I just realized that several times there has been improper capitilizzation.
OK heres a run down on the speech rules. The first word after the Quatation mark is capitalized. If you start a sentence with words in quotes, then the first letter following the quotes is not capitilized.
Gererally you will say something like. He said, "This is how you punctuate a sentence." The somma comes after the words introducing the quote. Or if you start with quotes. "This is how you punctuate a sentence," said the one called Me. You end the quotes with a comma, but you can also use a question or exclamation mark in lieu of a comma.
Yeah, sorta tired right now...
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~Chieftain of the Dúnedain~
Intermediate
'Lord of the Rangers.'
I es Bellum Dominatio, I servo tantum pro honor,truth, and victoria![M:0]
Posts: 130
|
Post by ~Chieftain of the Dúnedain~ on Oct 13, 2007 15:18:40 GMT -5
8-)Driving a sword into an ork soldier ending the fight, Cormas watched as the remaining orks fled into the forest. The reinforcements rallied at the ridge behind Cormas who turned his horse and said to himself, "Victory." He rode down the ridge over to the river where he dismounted and sat on a stump. The other soldiers were yelling and cheering in the midst of their victory. A medic patched up his gun wound as he sat. **** Later that night the army moved their camp back across the river onto the delta that separated the city of Krag from the ridge. Around midnight a ferry floated down the river to Crajre, a man jumped off it and swam to the delta where he stayed for the night next to Cormas's camp. In the morning the man walked into the general's tent saying, "I'm here to fight for you." Cormas stood up and questioned him, “do you have any war experience?" The man pulled his elven sharpshooter from his sling and spoke, "Of course, let's say I have more experience than you will ever have . . . " Cormas grinned, "you’re an elf, aren't you? I can tell from your pointy ears and gun." The elf laughed " If you knew who I was you would be in awe." he stopped and then said, "I am Ro-mere lord of the elven royal cavalry..... or at least I was." Cormas stepped back and said no more only nodded and order one of his officers to take Ro-mere to get a horse. Cormas sat back down in disbelief. He said to himself, " what fortunes do I have so much luck now." Morning broke without a single skirmish or shot fired. Cormas sent his forces across the entrenchment in the ridge. Ro-mere stood upon the ridge surveying it as the men dug their trenches and place cannons where the captains told them too. Rotting bodies still lay in the forest and on the far side of the ridge. Ro-mere raised his gun as Cormas hobbled over still feeling the pain of his wound from the day before. He said to Ro-mere, "see something?" Ro-mere shushed him as he was trying to hear any movements in the forest. Something jumped and Ro-mere quickly moved his gun in that direction, his keen eyes looking to see anything. He shot, an ork like figure fell out of a tree, "snipers." Ro-mere said walking back to assist of the trench building. Cormas opened his mouth but didn’t say anything and went back to talk with his captains. Ro-mere climbed up into a tree and kept watching for any more movements, firing about once every two hours felling another ork sniper.
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Post by me on Oct 14, 2007 21:36:48 GMT -5
Same problem as before, and I must wonder at the technology/time period this is set in
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~Chieftain of the Dúnedain~
Intermediate
'Lord of the Rangers.'
I es Bellum Dominatio, I servo tantum pro honor,truth, and victoria![M:0]
Posts: 130
|
Post by ~Chieftain of the Dúnedain~ on Oct 15, 2007 14:21:49 GMT -5
If it was the world like ours it would be like the 1780's or somewhere near there, I got my idea from the watching "The Patriot"
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Post by newguy on Oct 15, 2007 17:55:48 GMT -5
I like this story, but the spelling and grammar errors hurt me inside.
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Post by me on Oct 15, 2007 21:48:01 GMT -5
Ah, ok then.
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~Chieftain of the Dúnedain~
Intermediate
'Lord of the Rangers.'
I es Bellum Dominatio, I servo tantum pro honor,truth, and victoria![M:0]
Posts: 130
|
Post by ~Chieftain of the Dúnedain~ on Oct 16, 2007 17:10:40 GMT -5
I really need to work on my grammer now that I've read it over......
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Post by me on Oct 16, 2007 21:51:29 GMT -5
That you do, though I am pretty lax about grammar so.... You'll need to ask Uesugi on LOW about that
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~Chieftain of the Dúnedain~
Intermediate
'Lord of the Rangers.'
I es Bellum Dominatio, I servo tantum pro honor,truth, and victoria![M:0]
Posts: 130
|
Post by ~Chieftain of the Dúnedain~ on Nov 14, 2007 21:07:20 GMT -5
As days passed with no battle or skirmishes, Cormas decided to push forward into the wilderness. With muskets loaded the men trudged on the road leading to their old fort, Fort Gala. The orks had taken it a few months back. Ro-mere lead the way, using his spectacular hearing he tried to hear the footsteps of orks preparing to ambush, but none were heard.
The battalion reached Gala at noon. It was completely desolate. A tattered ork flag upon the pole. Crates and boxes lay everywhere, fire pit’s dugout in almost every corner, and the smell of old pipe weed dwindled within the walls. Ro-mere, remembering the battle that took place here so many years ago, The battle of Two Rivers it was. Evil wights and orks invaded the forked rivers to the west, The north and south Morna’s rivers, Ro-mere had been in charge of the fifth cavalry division, and the rest was history. He shuddered when the sounds of the crying elves came to his mind. Ro-mere shook it off and joined Cormas at the back gate. Cormas said to him, "Where are the orks? They couldn't have just left."
Ro-mere answered him, "My guess is that the dwarves are brewing something up in the south."
Cormas puzzled this when he saw a faint shadow from behind a tree, he shouted, "Grab your arms the enemy is near!"
He took cover behind a wooden barrel as he drew his pistols. Ro-mere grabbed his rifle and loaded it, he waited for more signs of movement as did te regulars behind the two. A figure emerged from behind the tree. Ro-mere could see a man with tattered bloodstained clothes limping up using his rifle as a crutch. Ro-mere lowered his gun and ordered that two soldiers aid the man.
Cormas looked at Ro-mere, "If you would, go search for more men. I know more are out there and you can save them."
Ro-mere nodded and ran off, gun in hand.
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Post by me on Nov 15, 2007 2:38:32 GMT -5
Ro-mere lead the way, using his spectacular hearing he tried to hear the footsteps of orks preparing to ambush,
You use hear or a variant of it to many times to close together.
he waited for more signs of movement as did te regulars behind the two
That would be a the
And there isn't that much detail in this update. Describe things a little more...or in some cases at all and it should be good....
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