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Post by Uesugi on Jul 29, 2007 13:54:41 GMT -5
But when derrick looked around he saw nothing. 1. Capitalize Derrick... 2. Drop the 'But'... Switch is with 'however' perhaps, but I think the sentence sounds best if you start with 'when'. No one to speak the words he heard. This sounds incomplete. Perhaps attach it with a semi-colon or comma to the sentence before it. Replied a frightened and confused derrick Poor, poor Derrick... “Well I don’t know. Should you?" Any way this is odd. Are you new here? This should all be in quotes. but I don’t , strangely enough, believe you.” Out of curiosity, why would it be strange for Derrick to not believe him? well umm not much Comma before and after 'umm'. “No...well I don’t know do you want to?” "No... Well, I don't know. Do you want to?" After an awkward silence in which both just looked away from each other sheepishly they decided to walk off. This is a run-on sentence, Blood. I don't know how you wanted it to go, so just fix it...
Decent update. You need to punctuate in the proper places, though. You were missing a few periods, and some commas would have made some sentences look a bit better. Can't wait for more.
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Raistlin
Beginner
I'm tired.
Posts: 2,451
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Post by Raistlin on Jul 30, 2007 16:06:31 GMT -5
Lmao. "It's always Hell on thursday". For some reason, kinda makes me think that there's a bad meal every thursday, Like sprouts and liver or something. xD Keep IMing me with links at every update, I'll make sure to read.
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Post by BloodMoonWolf on Jul 30, 2007 17:55:58 GMT -5
YAY I ALONE BROUGHT RAISTLIN BACK! ME! AND ONLY FOR ME, ME , ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Raistlin
Beginner
I'm tired.
Posts: 2,451
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Post by Raistlin on Jul 31, 2007 7:58:48 GMT -5
*tips hat*
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Post by BloodMoonWolf on Jul 31, 2007 9:30:41 GMT -5
*wags finger*
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Raistlin
Beginner
I'm tired.
Posts: 2,451
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Post by Raistlin on Jul 31, 2007 11:21:39 GMT -5
*fires shotgun*
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Post by BloodMoonWolf on Aug 11, 2007 22:23:19 GMT -5
Neither spoke for awhile, instead Derrick just gazed above at the sky, the most peculiar of all things in the strange new world. First he noticed the sun, it was light blue with indigo beams of light shining far into the horizon. Surrounding this strange sun was a equally strange sky. Instead of the normal blue he was used to it was a burnt orange. It all seemed like an eerie painting, hardly anything moved, even the clouds remained still aside from sporadically changing colors. As he watched the clouds changed from emerald green to a dark purple and then to a bright pink. It reminded him of the mysterious bird man he was walking with. And it dawned on him, he really didn’t know any about him.
“Hey what’s your name any way?” Asked a rather blunt Derrick. But instead of an answer he got a long series of hysteric laughter from his un-named companion.
“Aha ha ...what?”
“I...I was just asking you your name, mine’s Derrick by the way.”
“You can just call me bird man.”
“I’d really prefer just calling you by your actual name.”
“Well I’d really prefer you didn’t so tough luck its bird man for you!”
“That’s dumb.”
“Fine you can call me birdy, the bird, or Mr. Awesome.”
“I’m not calling you Mr. Awesome.”
“Yeah no one does.”
“I figured as much.”
“I can’t see why not, I mean I am after all awesome. I mean just look at me! I’m great!”
“Lets just not talk for a bit okay?”
“Gladly”
For quite some time they just continued walking, Derrick soon realized the differences of this world wasn’t just left to the sky. A large broken clock had been following them for quite some time but eventually left them to their business and a large purple cloud of dust had been moving towards them from the horizon.
“Ah good we’re right on target.” Said the bird man with, what looked like to derrick, a smirk.
“Target for what?”
“You’ll see”
And indeed Derrick did see as a large castle was racing towards them, shooting large puffs of purple smoke from its back.
“What’s making that smoke?” Asked Derrick in a voice full of awe.
“Kittens!”
“I don’t understand.”
“And you don’t want to.”
Derrick had left it to that, and watched the Castle with wonder in his eyes. It was magnificent, like a brilliant glittering palace. It was pure white and glimmering in the blue sun.
Then suddenly it let out a large screech like the crying of children and came to a stop a few yards away from them.
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Post by me on Aug 11, 2007 22:40:46 GMT -5
Wow, thats one awesome sky man! I sorta wish our world was like that...
And for some reason this seems like a drug trip...
That mr awesome line was funny...
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Post by Uesugi on Aug 12, 2007 0:13:47 GMT -5
Neither spoke for awhile, instead Derrick just gazed above at the sky, the most peculiar of all things in the strange new world. Neither spoke for awhile. Instead Derrick just gazed above at the sky, the most peculiar of all things in the strange new world.
First he noticed the sun, it was light blue with indigo beams of light shining far into the horizon. First he noticed the sun: it was light blue with indigo beams of light shining far into the horizon.
As he watched the clouds changed from emerald green to a dark purple and then to a bright pink. Remove the 'as'.
And it dawned on him, Remove the 'and'.
Asked a rather blunt Derrick. Derrick asked rather bluntly.
its bird man It's
what looked like to derrick, what looked to Derrick like,
Asked Derrick in a voice full of awe. Remove 'in a', and place a comma after Derrick.
Derrick had left it to that 'At' instead of 'to'.
This is an interesting story, for sure. It reminds me of something I read/watched a long time ago, though I can't be totally sure what... Anyway, interesting update. Perhaps go into a bit more depth with the world, both through description and dialogue. Anyway, can't wait for the next update.
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Post by BloodMoonWolf on Aug 12, 2007 10:12:16 GMT -5
Perhaps you're thinking of alice in wonderland?
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Post by Uesugi on Aug 12, 2007 13:33:50 GMT -5
No, it's not that. It is something else, something obscure... But either way, it doesn't really matter.
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Post by Khornate Marksman on Sept 17, 2007 19:34:55 GMT -5
LMAO, this is awesome Blood. There's not really anything I need to point out(Thank you Uesugi). The dialogue is great. And what Me said about this story sounding like a drug trip is exactly what I was thinking after Derrick met Bird man/Birdy/ Mr. Awesome.
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Post by BloodMoonWolf on Sept 17, 2007 19:36:30 GMT -5
Thanks. It gets better later. Once i flesh out all the other characters, and obtain a little more free time, i'll post some more of it. I'm glad you liked it XD
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Post by BloodMoonWolf on Nov 9, 2007 23:19:20 GMT -5
Here's a bit more of the story. Sorry for the wait i've had little free time to write lately.
The two approached the now stopped castle, derrick cautiously and bird man cavalierly. Thoughts of wonder swam through derricks head of a beautiful hall with gold and silver. He began to run in anticipation of seeing the inside of this magnificent building, he stopped at the large front door to wait for Bird man, who had a rather annoyed look on his face. When he reached the door he turned the knob slowly and opened the door to the castle. Quickly Derrick popped his head in to get the first look at it.
“ Oh what a piece of crap!” Shouted Derrick, in disappointment. And he was quite right, as the whole hall was filled with dirt and trash, some bricks were even missing from walls.
“Hey you know it’s a big castle and it gets to be very bothersome to clean it, not to mention the whole maid staff is on strike right now; don’t ask, and its very hard find help at this time of the year. So I’m sorry if it doesn’t meet your obviously high expectations!” Spat a rather angry Bird man.
“Well shouldn’t it be…you know presentable? I mean look at it! It sucks!”
“Oh very nice just make fun of the castle that nice! You know it has feelings too!”
“Does it really?”
“Well no…actually not, it’s a castle after all, but you know…ok shut up!”
“Yeah you’re mature!”
“Ok whatever you need to go down to the premonition room and have your prophecy read. It’s a stupid law we have here. Have fun.” Said Bird man, with a sigh.
Then with a flick of the wrist he produced a piece of paper with directions to where Derrick needed to go.
“Better get a move on it! She a real bitch about lateness….actually she’s pretty much a bitch about everything.
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Post by me on Nov 9, 2007 23:45:43 GMT -5
Another funny, if shorter, update!
There was one problem that immediatley jumped out at me when I read this though.
You used the wrong word for "high"
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