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Post by Remis on Mar 24, 2007 22:17:17 GMT -5
Chapter 1
He didnt have time to think. Serfius was running for his life, away from the other opposing gang members. He zig-zagged through alleys, dodging bullets barely. His green vest flapping as he ran. Suddenly he came to turn, and he stopped. He saw boxes and an ancient fire escape. He hoped this worked. He jumped on the boxes, sweat running down his face. His shock-pistol in one hand and his other hand gripping onto the ladder. He climped up the fire escape and crashed through a window. He crouched against the wall so if someone shot a window, he wouldnt get hurt.
Serfius was 14, with white hair that he had down to his shoulders. He wore a black shirt with a green vest in which both ends were tied loosely together with about 5 strings which could be undone easily. His jeans were dirty, and he rarely could wash them anyways. He stood around 5'5'' and was 120lbs.
After a few moments of silence, or, atleast no gunshots with in a few 100 yards or so, he sat down against the half-rotten wall. He reached into his vest pocket and pulled out some water. It was in an old army canister, which he had found a few years ago. He drank the polluted water, which he had manged to purify enough so it didnt kill him or slow him down. The luke-warm water was refreshing after a long 5 hour gang-war.
Serfius was in one of the 4 major gangs in Tiliant City. They were called "Toxic" and had about 1/5 of the city on there side. Which was about 1500 people. This time they wer fighting a smaller gang for territory. Even though they were smaller, they put up one hell of a fight. Serfius had been in the center of it.
He heard a small explosion and pulled himself foward with all the strength he could muster as the wall behind him collapsed. Serfius was no behind a pile of crates. His shock-pistol in his right hand.
"Serfius, c'mon, were done. Balliance is finished" said a famliar voice. Serfius got up.
"I was gettin' worried there for a-" and he was cut off. He saw a man in a soldier uniform pulled out a stun gun. The next thing he knew, he blacked out.
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Post by me on Mar 24, 2007 23:45:02 GMT -5
hmm..interesting...the only problem I have ios that your supposed to spell out numbers below one hundred...
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Post by Uesugi on Mar 25, 2007 0:18:59 GMT -5
Sentence fragment in the first paragraph. Describe the character through his actions, not as a list. As a rule of thumb, spell out anything below the number ten, including fractions. At least you used spell check. Otherwise, interesting story.
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Post by DEATH97 on Mar 25, 2007 0:34:09 GMT -5
not bad, not bad. I like the start. I agree with Uesugi, and (me) I didn't mind the character description the way you did it really, its just its placement seemed off. You start off with a suspensful action moment and break from that to describe the character. kinda takes you out of the moment.
Other than that everything looks top notch.
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Post by Remis on Mar 25, 2007 9:19:28 GMT -5
Chapter 2
Serfius awoke with a startle and sat up. He was on a white bed with clean sheets. He looked around at the white walls. It was a blank room with nothing but a bed. He got up and then noticed something. He had been undressed to his boxers and socks. He frowned and looked around the room quickly.
A cardboard box that was open lay beside his feet. Inside were clothes. He pulled them out. A gray turtle-neck, a pair of white jogging-pants, and some shoes. As Serfius picked them up, he noticed something. They were brand-new. They even smelled new. He had never had anything 'new' in his life. He put the clothes on and walked towards the door.
The knob turned and he pussed himself on the wll beside the door as it swung open. A girl came in and he put his hand on her shoulder. She was about to scream when he put his hand over her mouth.
"Where am I?" Serfius asked in his matured voice. His green eyes looking at her as he uncovered her mouth. She was about his age, with blond hair and blue eyes. Serfius guessed she stood about 5'3'' or so.
"Your in....Aline.....right outside of Tiliant City. Were a Supiren Colony" she said, her voice quivering. He let go. He was curious, she was a Supiren? Why was he even here? As if reading his mind, she answered his questions. "You are here along with sme other refuugee's we, involuntarily brought here for refuge."
He touched the door, only to feel a point of a blade poking into his back. "Dont go anywhere, Serfius." said a man in a black uniform. How did they know his name?
Serfius turned quickly. Something was going on. He could sense it. He felt a low humming in the ground. Then he sighed. "Why are you taking Refuugee's now?"
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Post by GreyEidolon on Mar 25, 2007 9:41:36 GMT -5
Interesting, I have no idea what the Hell is going on, but...interesting.
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Post by Remis on Mar 25, 2007 11:46:11 GMT -5
go to my "my works to be" thread. you'll get some background there.
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Post by me on Mar 25, 2007 12:44:42 GMT -5
I shall go post haste to learn about this story
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Post by Uesugi on Mar 25, 2007 13:12:40 GMT -5
The story grows more interesting... But, though this may just be a personal quirk, relevant background info should be subtly brought into the story...
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Post by Remis on Apr 1, 2007 6:35:40 GMT -5
(this is the chapter where you get some background info on Serfius)
Chapter 3
"Why not 10 years ago!" he yelled. He was mad, the memories of his history were coming back at such a rapid rate, all the anger he had suffered. It was coming back...
It all started when he was 4. Serfius was sitting on a chair next to his sister. Though his father didn't let other people know, his sister was dying of the common plague. But, what most people had figured out, it was transmitted through sexual activity. Thats why Serfius's father didn't tell. He didn't want to know he raped his 7 year old daughter. Serfius was always mad at his father, no matter what the case. Though Serfius had never figured out how his father got the disease himself. Strangely, his father never was tired or never did get weary like his sister did.
One day though, Serfius had just gone too far with arguing with his father and was forced ot leave home. He had to spend the nights in dumpsters or abandoned houses to stay warm, stealing food from rats and eating wild animals. This went on for nearly a year before another kid in a green bandanna about his age found him. This is how Serfius got into the toxic gang. The kid had led him to the base and the next thing you know, Serfius was firing a sawed off shotgun that shot something similar to sharpened piano wire. It was able to go straight through steel bars.
Ever since this Serfius has been rising through the ranks of the Toxic Gang, making extraordinary progress. Though he didn't ever make real friends he still was able to live his life decently. Occasionally on raids he would be allowed to keep something worth while, such as a hologram projector for watching some flicks.
Serfius came back to reality quickly. His fist clenched and his eyes showing he was ready to kill that girl. “Answer me!” he yelled as he raised a hand, the next thing he knew, a menacing pain was in his lower back and he toppled over. He was able to look up to see the girl shaking her head as he closed his eyes, the feeling of sleep coming back to him once again...
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Post by DEATH97 on Apr 1, 2007 7:12:26 GMT -5
The story sounds like it could be very good, but its confusing at times. This last update didn't seem to fit the one before it. I had to read it several times to get the connection. Now I see it does, but I feel the confusion could of been avoided if the previous update had ended in a better place. I'm tired though, so this could just be me?? The way things are worded can give your story a good flow, or break it up. I think you could work on the way things are worded alittle better, and it would make the story flow much more smoothly. For example: "Serfius had gone too far with arguing with his father one day and he was literally kicked out of the house" This could of been put many different ways, like: One day, Serifius went too far while arguing with his father, and was forced to leave home. or One day, while arguing with his father, Serifius went to far, and was forced to leave home. There are a few times I could spot something that felt it needed to be described in a different manner. I'm mean no Offense, I'm just trying to help, and remember its just my opinion.
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Post by Remis on Apr 1, 2007 7:29:41 GMT -5
understanble, i was tired when i typed this anyways. i fixed it
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Post by Uesugi on Apr 1, 2007 12:02:16 GMT -5
Remis, a good chapter is like a good book: it has a beginning, middle and end. I like your story, as it is something that so far seems a little different than the average story on here. However, your presentation could use some work.
The beginning of this chapter conflicts with the end of the last. In that one, Serfius sighs, a sign of contentment, or exhaustion, maybe at one level frustration. The beginning here seems like it jumps in in the middle of something, with Serfius going through some sort of transformation in his attitude.
Also, at age four, one wouldn't necessarily have the knowledge of a plague like Serfius does, or not usually. Nor would they argue with their father to the point of being put out. That's something to watch for when you continue on, as inconsistencies or skips in logic never bode well to certain audiences.
Anyway, I like the story, the premise is great. Just watch out for a few things and you'll do fine.
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Post by me on Apr 1, 2007 12:07:11 GMT -5
Write out numbers, dont succomb to the ease of the number pad...unless the number is over 100....
And Uesugi, he may have found out about the plague later and made the connection then.
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Post by Remis on Apr 1, 2007 17:13:56 GMT -5
Well, ill let you 2 decide. Uesugi, this is a world where children are not pampered as they are is America. Though this is a America, parents are much, much, harder. Children must learn much more quickly so they may survive.
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