Raistlin
Beginner
I'm tired.
Posts: 2,451
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Post by Raistlin on Jan 6, 2007 8:39:53 GMT -5
this is great!
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Post by me on Jan 6, 2007 12:25:35 GMT -5
Clan tatoo's? nice...I want one
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Post by Dagothkitty on Jan 6, 2007 15:27:53 GMT -5
Nice plot twist.
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Post by uesugi on Jan 11, 2007 22:47:04 GMT -5
Overall, the plot is good. Abaddon, one thing that you do that bugs me is when you put "ooc" comments in the text. If they're needed, I suggest you put them before or after, but I don't really think you should be telling the reader what is or isn't a plot-twist; they can figure it out for themselves. Also, try adding a bit more depth to the characters; I just didn't feel a defining connection to the reader. And a greater variety of words might help... It may've been just me (I'm nitpicky, I can't help it, OCD does that to people), but some words felt overused. But, like I said, the plot is good. One of the better 'revenge' stories on the site, and this story has a lot of potential. Keep up the good work, mate.
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Post by Maliku on Jan 15, 2007 10:33:57 GMT -5
I just read this and it is very interesting. I found the bar fight funny.
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Post by Abaddon on Jan 20, 2007 2:12:48 GMT -5
Chapter eight: Web of the Silkspinner
Maelin looked at her and thought it over. On one hand, he needed all the help he could good get. On the other, it was his revenge and his alone.
Maelin sat on the gravel, contemplating his situation. "You're sure?" He asked.
"They were my family too." She said quietly, looking at her feet.
"Then go pack up your things.Travel light, eventually we'll be going to Skyrim. I have to go get mine We''ll meet here in an hour."He grinned.
She grinned back and ran out the alleyway. He followed, half a beat behind.
An hour later, they returned. Maelin took a look at her. She was dressed as casually as before, though a sword hung at her hip. Her bag was thrown over her shoulder. Maelin eyed her sword. He would ask her about it later.
Arm in arm, they strolled to the gate. Where the Guard nodded and let them pass. About a mile out, Reena stopped "Maelin, can we stop here?We need to catch up."
Maelin obediently sat down though he thought they should continue, I did not want to argue with his new ally.
"Tell me your story." She said, looking at him in anticipation.
He told it to her from the very beginning when the The Nords murdered his family, through his training with the Dark Brotherhood, killing his instructors, the Bar fight, and killing Gnorm.
When he was finished, Reena winced and said "You've been through a lot."
Maelin nodded, then he yawned. The moon was high.
"Its getting late. I'll go get some firewood."
He stood up, Stretched, and walked out of their ground. About Ten minutes later. Maelin returned, firewood in hand.
He piled it up. He was about to light it ablaze when the fire was promptly started. It crackled.
Maelin looked at Reena in amazement. "Where did you learn that?"
Reena shrugged and said "I spend every winter with the mages guild."
A wolf, jumped into the clearing, snarling, saliva dripped from its jowls. It lept at Reena, who quickly drew her sword. Unfortunately for the wolf. It landed on the blade perfectly, impaling the wolf through the throat.
She looked at Maelin who had his own blade raised. "I spend every summer with the local Fighter's guild."
Maelin sheathed his sword and unbuckled it from his belt. He put it down on the ground.
He clapped his hands together and smiled. "You'll be a fine ally."
He laid down and fell asleep, his blade not half an inch away.
"Some kids sleep with teddy bears.Maelin sleeps with a weapon." Reena thought.
Reena tossed the corpse into the woods. After cleaning her blade, she laid down and fell asleep.
Maelin woke up and noticed a figure in a cloak that seemed to be made of stars. The figure ran. Maelin didn't bother waking up Reena. He just picked up Pandemonium and pursued. He ran after the figure, who abruptly stopped. Maelin drew his sword.
"Calm Down my child, I bring you a message from The Webspinner herself.[ The Figure said. Maelin lowered his blade, but did not sheath it. The Figure did not show its face nor any other parts of its body. Its robe stretched from head to toe.
"Mephala?" He Asked.
" Indeed. She says it is your destiny to avenge your clan. From your rest point, go north. You will find answers there. Said the Figure.
The Figure vanished.
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Post by me on Jan 20, 2007 7:35:36 GMT -5
This update didn't flow very smoothly, but it did involve a nice little twist at the end.
Still a good story in my opinion. So hurry and make more:)
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Post by Dagothkitty on Jan 20, 2007 11:25:07 GMT -5
OK, I think there should be more description in what happens. "Maeiln got some firewood". Explode the moment a little more, I think that is this stories largest flaw. The storyline itself, however, seems to be very nice.
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Post by uesugi on Jan 20, 2007 12:22:59 GMT -5
I agree with me on the flow. I thought Maelin already told her about everything that happened? Ah, but you know how to keep it interesting.
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Post by Abaddon on Jan 20, 2007 15:36:26 GMT -5
Chapter eight: Web of the Silkspinner
Maelin looked at her and thought it over. On one hand, he needed all the help he could could get. On the other, it his revenge and his alone.
Maelin sat on the gravel, contemplating his situation. "You're sure?" He asked.
"They were my family too." She said quietly, looking at her feet.
"Then go pack up your things.Travel light, eventually we'll be going to Skyrim. I have to go get mine We''ll meet here in an hour."He grinned.
She grinned back and ran out the alleyway. He followed, half a beat behind.
An hour later, they returned. Maelin took a look at her. She was dressed as casually as before, though a sword hung at her hip. Her bag was thrown over her shoulder. Maelin eyed her sword. He would ask her about it later.
Arm in arm, they strolled to the gate. Where the guard nodded and let them pass. About a mile out, Maelin stopped "Reena, can we stop here?I want to talk"
Reena nodded.
"First of all, how old are you?" He asked.
"I'll be nineteen in four months." She replied.
"Why did you follow me out of the bar?"
"Well, yesterday, when that slimbag grabbed my wrist. You told him off. I saw earlier today what you put in his drink. I wanted to thank you, But when you told me your story i realized you killed him for your own reasons. I guess I thought you did it for me. I have to remember that the universe doesn't revolve around me, I guess."
Maelin asked a question he was dying to ask" Where did you get that sword?"
She unsheathed it and handed it to him.
"A friend gave me. He's in a better place now."
Maelin examined it. This is a good sword. Does it have a name?"
"Bitterthorn." she said. looking at her feet.
"I'm sorry, that was insensitive." Maelin said. " I'm very sorry for your loss."
He decided not to approach this topic until later.
"Its getting late. I'll go get some firewood."
He stood up, Stretched, and walked out of the clearing.
He walked around picking up loose branches. When he was finished, he started walking toward their campsite. He heard a rustling noisebehind him. He murmured a few words. He looked around and saw nothing, except for a few birds and a stray wolf.
About Ten minutes later. Maelin returned, firewood in hand.
He piled it up. He was about to light it ablaze when the fire was promptly started. It crackled.
Maelin looked at Reena in amazement. "Where did you learn that?"
Reena shrugged and said "I spend every winter with the mages guild."
A wolf, jumped into the clearing, snarling with saliva dripped from its jowls. It lept at Reena, who quickly drew her sword. Unfortunately for the wolf. It landed on the blade perfectly, impaling the wolf through the throat.
She looked at Maelin who had his own blade raised. "I spend every summer with the local Fighter's guild."
Maelin sheathed his sword and unbuckled it from his belt. He put it down on the ground.
He clapped his hands together and smiled. "You'll be a fine ally."
He laid down and fell asleep, his blade not half an inch away.
"Some kids sleep with teddy bears. Maelin sleeps with a weapon."Reena thought.
Reena tossed the corpse into the woods. After cleaning her blade, she laid down and fell asleep.
Maelin woke up and noticed a figure in a cloak that seemed to be made of stars. The figure ran. Maelin didn't bother waking up Reena. He just picked up Pandemonium and pursued. He ran after the figure, who abruptly stopped. Maelin drew his sword.
"Calm Down my child, I bring you a message from The Webspinner herself.[ The Figure said. Maelin lowered his blade, but did not sheath it. The Figure did not show its face nor any other parts of its body. Its robe stretched from head to toe.
"Mephala?" He Asked.
" Indeed. She says it is your destiny to avenge your clan. From your rest point, go north. You will find answers there. Said the Figure.
The Figure vanished.
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Post by Abaddon on Jan 20, 2007 15:36:43 GMT -5
^ updated.
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Post by Dagothkitty on Jan 20, 2007 18:11:18 GMT -5
It was much better. Good job. Ok, but just a little flaws on the presentation and grammar. I think you meen Maelin looked at her and thought it over. On one hand, he needed all the help he could get. On the other, it his revenge and his alone.Good should be deleted, and you shouldn't have started a new line. Other then this, it was better.
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Post by Maliku on Jan 20, 2007 18:35:04 GMT -5
The second update was much better.
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Post by uesugi on Jan 21, 2007 3:14:05 GMT -5
Much better, jjam. And, adding onto what Dagoth said, there should be a "was" between "it" and "his"...
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Raistlin
Beginner
I'm tired.
Posts: 2,451
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Post by Raistlin on Jan 21, 2007 8:13:25 GMT -5
Well, it looks like they covered everything. I really enjoyed the second one better.
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