etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Post by etherealshadow on Aug 3, 2007 19:41:10 GMT -5
*considers while tilting head from side to side* maybe.
ok. i just changed it. im much happier with it
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Post by me on Aug 4, 2007 16:48:44 GMT -5
The bell rang, jarring her involuntarrilly.
Theres just something wrong about this that I can't put my finger on...I don't know what it is... Perhaps it made her jump involuntarily, or flinch, but I do believe that jarring isn't the right word to be placed there
she was very near screaming with impatience.
Replace very near with nearly. It sounds better, and cuts down on the clunkiness...
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etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Post by etherealshadow on Aug 8, 2007 1:11:55 GMT -5
Crickets. Lying down on the roof outside her window, listening to the music of the night, Kara was, for a moment, able to forget all that had happened. From her night assailant to her best friends glowing eyes, everything faded for a precius moment as she gazed at the moon. Hands behind her head, she breathed deeply and the calm seemed to spread through her, the night air both invigorating and relaxing.
The nightime music was fairly still, no people walking around, no cats crying. In fact the only sounds she could hear were her breathing and the crickets that played faithfully. Looking up at the nearly full moon, the crikets reminded her of the past few days.
Strange events were nothing new to her, ever since she could remember she seemed to be a magnet for them. When she was four, her parents got in a fight again. She sat with her hands around her knees, crying on her bed listening to the sounds of screaming and breaking things. When she heard screaching tires and saw her dad going who knows where, she sat at the window crying anew for him to come home. She even got out on the roof and tried to go get him. Halfway down, birds started landing around her, nudging her gently until she crawled back through her window. They sang her to sleep and were gone in the morning.
She realized now that if she had continued, she would have at least broken something, possibly even been killed by the fall, but in her four year old mind finding daddy was all that mattered. Now, she didnt even know where daddy was. He left when she was seven after he caught mom sleeping with Frank, one of the first. She wasn't sure if mom was ever sober long enough to tell whether she slept with a guy or a girl after that. Most of the time she came home to her passed out on the couch, or a note saying to heat up some leftovers, she wouldn't be back until morning. In the beginning, she would wait up for her and most of the time end up chrashing on the couch. Eventually she just stopped caring, or tried to. She and her mom barely even saw each other anymore.
She turned her head to the side, looking out at the front lawn. On her fifteenth birthday, Amber, Lizzie, and Jaden came over to celebrate. They brought one of those cakes you find at supermarkets, the kind with the plastic tasting frosting. They put a head band with pink fluff and the words happy birthday in big three inch letters on her head. While blowing out her candles, mom had come home drunk and belligerent, screaming at her that she was ungrateful and spoiled celebrating without her own mother. She picked up the cake and threw it against the wall, still screaming. Then she grabbed the last of the tequilla and stumbled up the steps so she could pass otu in her room.
What she rembered clearest of that moment was probably watching the bits of cake slowly slide to the floor and the icing clingign to the walls. Amber and Lizzie went off to get papertowels and tried to save what they could while Jaden sat next to her and put an arm around her shoudlers. That touch broke the spell of ehr numbness, and she sprinted otu of the room and into the upsrtairs bathroom. Slamming the door and not even thinking to lock it, she sat down on the toilet and started to cry, the hopelessness of everything crashing down on her. She kicked at the wall and cursed herself for crying. Wipping away tears, she reached for the medicine cabnet and took a giant handfull of sleeping pills, taking it down with a bottle of brandy on the counter.
Not even five minutes later, all three of them found her and saw the now empty bottle of pills on the floor. Picking her up, they did everything they could think of to keep her awake, keep her moving. Lizzie left the group and called an ambulance.
She would never forget that night. The faces of her friends staying with her all that night and the next few to come, keeping an eye on her. They had good reason, too. About three weeks after, she tried it again to have the same resolution. Hospitals and friends. It was a little over a month since that last time and she didn't plan on doing it again. It was too much strain to put on them. And poor Jaden, his parents never gave him a moment to breathe when he was home, she didn't want to add more to it.
Gazing once again at the moon, she laughed as she realized how far off track she had gotten from her original train of thought. The strange events that seemed to transpire around her. She got up and went back inside, put her shoes on and was out the front door. The walk to school wasn't far, under a mile, and she took it just about five days a week anyway.
Hands in her pocket, she felt a very tiny twinge of trepidation, not exactly fear yet. She fingered her pocket knife and kept her ears keen to the sounds, though the only ones she could make out were her feet on the concrete and crickets. Always crickets. She was a little jumpy at being out so late again, but the night had always been her friend. Besides, this was probably the only time she could do this.
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Post by Uesugi on Aug 8, 2007 1:34:48 GMT -5
forget all that had happend. Happened were her breahting Breathing were nothign new to her Nothing since she could remember she seemed to be a magnet for them I suggest putting ever before since. heard screachign tires Screeching window cryign anew for him Crying listening to the soudns of screaming Sounds was all that matterd Mattered sleeping with Frank, one of the firsts First o tell weather she slept Whether she wouldnt be back untill morning Wouldn't, until In the begining, Beginning end up chrashign on the couch Crashing she stopped carring, Caring saw eachother anymore. Each other and beliggerent. Belligerent Screaming at her that she was ungratefull and spoilled celebrating without her own mother This is not a new sentence. Connect it with a comma. Also, Ungrateful, spoiled. Slammign the door and not even thingking to lock it, she sat down ont eh toilet and started to cry, the hopelessness of everything crashign down on her. Slamming, thinking, on the, crashing Wippign away tears, she reached for the medacine cabnet and took a giant handfull Wiping, medicine cabinet, handful. the y did everythign they coudl They, everything, could keepign an eye on her Keeping They had good reason too. Comma after reason. Abotu three weeks after About Hospitols and friends Hospitals didnt plan on Didn't moment to breath when he was home, she didnt want to add more to it. Breathe, didn't origonal train of thought. Original The walk to school wasnt far, under a mile, and she took it just abotu Wasn't, about She fingerd her pocket Fingered her feet on teh concreet and crickets The concrete been her firend. Besides, this was probably the only tiem she coudl do this. Friend, time, could You know, I bet you typed the update very, very fast. Every error was the simple fault of missing or switching a key. Very impressive. I'm sure Me'll find some more, because right now I am a bit tired, but I hope I got most... Anyway, this scene certainly has a lot of emotional energy in it. Very impressive. You tend to do that though... your writing certainly is charged with emotions. Good talent to have, good gift, something I'm sure we all wish we had (or at least I do). So, good work. Next time don't type as fast, though. It usually never helps.
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etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Post by etherealshadow on Aug 8, 2007 1:49:24 GMT -5
*smiles* yah, I tend to go pretty fast when I type, and if I don't go back on this message, I'm sure there will be spelling errors. Already are, actually.
*frowns* you both seem to think too much of my writing. I mean, I'm good at wiriting, I certaintly need improvement, but I will admit I'm good. But I'm not THAT good. *laughing* From what I've read so far, you all are really good! It just seems silly to me how impressed you guys seem to be.
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Post by me on Aug 8, 2007 2:06:37 GMT -5
Kara was for a moment able to forget all that had happend. Since Uesugi got the spelling error I think I'll go grammatical. You either need to put commas around for a moment, or switch around the word order...actually that would probably be harder so I would go with the commas.
From her night assailant to her best friends glowing eyes, everything faded for a precius moment as she gazed at the moon, the night air only stirring slightly That last part is a completely seperate idea that seems to be tacked onto the first sentence.
Hands behind her head, she breathed deeply and the calm seemed to spread through her, invigorating and relaxing. Invigorating and Relaxing once more just seem to be tacked onto the end of the sentence. You need to make it fit into the rest of the sentence, because right now it seems like a new incomplete idea.
The nightime music was fairly still, no people walking around, no cats crying. In fact the only sounds she could hear were her breahting and the crickets that played faithfully. Looking up at the now almost full moon, the crikets reminded her of the past few days. Almost seems a littel wierd, perhaps the word nearly would serve you better
Most of the time she came home to her passed out on the couch, To see her...well actually it works either way here...so...yeah....
In the begining, she would wait up for her and most of the time end up chrashign on the couch. But eventually she stopped carring, or tried to. Crashing isn't really a word that you see used to often in description. Maybe if a person is talking or telling a story, but you seem to make it work here so I guess this complaint is void, and you should never begin a sentence with a conjunction. You can join those two with a simple comma.
Amber and Lizzie and Jaden came over to celebrate. To many ands. Since this is a noun series you can use a comma to replace the first and. It cuts down on the clunkiness. Amber, Lizzie, and Jaden Much better
They brought one of those cakes you find at supermarkets, the kind with the plastic tasting frosting, and a head band with pink fluff and the words happy birthday in big three inch letters across the top. You can get rid of the words "and a" before head band.
Really emotional here...I mean seriously emotional...
I think I almost felt a tear, which is no mean feat....
And as a side note, alchol is required for sleeping pill suicide.
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Post by me on Aug 8, 2007 2:07:44 GMT -5
You are just good....you get emotion into your writing that I just can't muster...
I'm telling the truth here...
The only thing I can really write is action, and I'm not always that good at it.
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etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Post by etherealshadow on Aug 13, 2007 1:31:13 GMT -5
*crying* nooo!! i just finished an update and it DELETED IT!!
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Post by me on Aug 13, 2007 1:37:12 GMT -5
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etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Post by etherealshadow on Aug 13, 2007 12:54:51 GMT -5
Kara looked at the red paint beneath her fingers, the cold metal underneath it stinging them slightly. She turned her head from the sign, letting her fingers slide from it slowly. It had been a long time since she had been here at night. She smilled at the memory. It was as though, as she stepped from the street and onto the first patch of the school, her trepidation left her. There were gates in the way of her destination, but they were an easy matter. The school didn't have motion detectors, or security cameras oddly enough.
"What happens if we get caught?" Kara whisperd excitedly. He looked back at her and grinned.
"We run like hell and hope we don't trip." Amber hit him on the arm.
"Shutup, Jaden." The all laughed and shushed eachother at the same time.
They watched as Jaden threw a heavy rock past the gates. She was a little dissipointed when flashing lights and sirens didn't go off. Almost like it was scripted, Lizzie jumped up and over the gate seconds after Jaden's rock, the rest following right after.
They lay on the grass, laughing and talking as the stars brightend for as long as they could.
She found her first period class and stood outside the window, positioning herself in her line of sight. She turned so her back was to the window and figured where he had stood. She took a breath and started towards it.
Few twigs were broken, few leaves too ruffled up, the spot could have been easilly overlooked, she almost did herself. She checked back with her classroom. No, this was where it was. She knelt down and ran he hand around the twigs, completly at a loss. She rummaged around in the leaves, and then around in a wider circle. All she found was a feather, and that could have easily been from a crow. She sighed and stood up, brushing herself off. She turned and finnaly looked in front of her. White eyes starred back at her.
She froze in panic for an instant, her heart beating alarmingly fast. She whipped around and ran as hard as she could. She hadn't gotten ten feet when it's claws dug into her, causing her to cry out. The thing had launched itself on her, she screamed and beat at it, trying to get her hands free to reach her knife. The things black wings beat in agitation and it sunk it's claws in deep into her arms, piercing the bone and almost breaching the other side. Her breath left her as blood pooled around them. She screamed, unable to hold it back. The thing lapped at the blood and watched her, smilling. She kicked at it visciously, and it glarred at her. It left the blood and clawed at her throat, ripping a gash and almost severing it off completly.
Her vision swam as tears fell down her face and the agony numbed. She thought she saw Jaden over It's shoulder, standing and watching, emotionless. She wanted to cry out for him, reach him somehow. She tried to speak, but her I love you was lost in the blood that emptied out. She blinked and he was gone. The thing was knawing on her arms as the world turned black, tears still filling them.
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Post by Uesugi on Aug 13, 2007 13:06:15 GMT -5
letting her fingers slid from it slowly Slide as she stepped form the street From The all laughed and shushed eachother They, each other Jadens rock Jaden's rock They lay on the grass, laughing and talking as the stars brightend for as long as they could. 1. brightened 2. I would suggest expanding a bit more on this. They get over the fence, and all of the sudden they're in the grass... It'd be nice if they perhaps searched for a ncie spot, or something, instead of jumping right into that. dissapearing in a burst of flame Disappearing
Hmm... Now, perhaps I'm a bit lost, but this update seemed almost a bit scattered, especially the middle. It seemed like you began something with them lying in the grass, and then just skimmed on. Also, perhaps I've forgotten, but since when did the main character have some sort of magical powers? Eh, but perhaps I'm just a little tired. I liked the update. The interaction between the characters seemed well done. Good work, and I can't wait for the next update.
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Post by me on Aug 13, 2007 13:36:05 GMT -5
Eh, I think Uesugi gaot them all...please don't hurt me for not finding anything....I'm still tired.
It was a good update though...
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etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Post by etherealshadow on Aug 13, 2007 13:45:41 GMT -5
oh, sorry, I didnt make it clear. She was remembering them going there before. *smiles* this is when your supposed to find out, though I hinted slightly in the last update
I haven't slept yet, so that's probably why its a bit scratterd
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Post by me on Aug 18, 2007 23:10:00 GMT -5
I leave for a day and you lay down two diffrent updates =_=
Yep, just my luck!
And I shall be ripping these apart very soon, but for now I leave you with a few things.
That first sentence, in the third update is really...wired....and the two before it seem sorta choppy. A little editing will probably smooth that out...
Her reaction is sorta....unrealistic would be the first thing that pops to mind...
And methinks that She sped foreword and didn’t even bother to look around, she knew the way by heart.
Methinks that foreword should be foreward
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Post by Uesugi on Aug 19, 2007 11:25:25 GMT -5
She kept seeing the flames, and Jaden; Jaden smiling, laughing, saving her, and then him, as he was now, angry and- Colon instead of semi-colon. “Jaden.” she grabbed his arm and he looked up “You know what that thing was?” “Jaden,” she grabbed his arm and he looked up, “you know what that thing was?”
I'm tired right now, so that is all I could find, but... It just seems like her reactions would be totally different, and that you could be a bit more original... But I don't have much to say... Too tired...
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