etherealshadow
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the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Post by etherealshadow on Jul 31, 2007 23:24:16 GMT -5
I'm not sure how this will turn out, I haven't been too fond of my writing lately.
************ The skies were a brilliant orange as the sun set, chilling the autumn air. Kara breathed deeply of the crisp scent of salt water and wildflowers. Lying back and sinking into the soft grass beneath her, she tilted her head to better hear the waves crashing against the sands. So relaxing this was, lying there on the precipiece over her secret beach as night began to settle around her, that she began to drift off.
Blinking her eyes blearilly, she turned to see the sky. Shoot. It looked nearly ten now. As she remembered she left her shoes at home, and scolded herself for not bringing a jacket since she was out in nothing but a shirt and jeans. She froze. Shivers ran down her spine as she felt someone's eyes on her. Supressing the urge to bolt, she raised herself up and headed towards home. Trying to make her gait apear natural and un-forced was harder than she expected. Everytime she saw a shadow she flinched inwardly, expecting it to jump out at her. Part of her thought she might just be paranoid, but everynow and then she would hear a rustle or a sound that didn't quite fit.
The path home was through the woods, across the street and then just two blocks. If she walked fast she could get there in around-
A something went past her right ear, and her self control falterd. She flashed her eyes to the right, but nothing seemed to be stirring save the occasional crickets' song.
Cursing herself, she began to walk a little faster. These woods were always her favorite part about walking to that beach, but now they held a more sinister appearence. Rather then whispering comforts to her, they were hiding her stalker. She was a tad more than relieved when she walked into the lamplight. Walking so her footsteps hardly sounded on the concrete, she listend for any more sounds out of place.
After several minutes of hearing nothing, she hesitated at the house before hers. She looked over her shoulder to check if anyone was around. The night remained still and empty.Satisfied no one was there, she turned and continued up her walk. Shaking her head against her paranoia, she hunted around in her pockets for her keys.
It must have been a bird, or maybe a squirrel moving through the trees. But still, so late..
Sharp claws dug into her shoulder, pulling her back. The sound of wings filled the air. Screaming, she threw her elbow back into whoevers middle was behind her. Her assaillants grip weakend and she used the opportunity to tear away and sprint to her door. She didnt even look back to see who, or what, had attacked her. Scrambling up the stairs to the porch, she heard wings rustling and paniced, sprinting once again to her door. Why did she have so many keys! The color coding didn't exactly help when there was no light.
Hands snatched for her, and claws scrapped into her skin, but she had opend the door and slammed it in its face already. Bolting the door, she pushed against her door as whatever it was beat and clawed at it. When the thing finally ceased, Kara slumped to the ground meekly, the adrenalline rush now spent leaving her exhausted.
Well, on the positive side, I'm not paranoid.
Trying to laugh, though admitedly not doing a very good job of it, she crawled up the stairs and into bed. Huddled up in her blankets, her doors and windows now bolted and shut, she closed her eyes, hoping sleep would claim her. Her wounds wouldn't stop pestering her and the feeling of Its hands on her neck wouldn't go away. Seeing as sleep was eluding her, she rolled over and looked up at her ceiling.
Flashes of memories played against the plaster, reminding her of one of those old movies where the film was slightly eroded and skipped ahead. No matter how many explanations she tried to come up with, none of them made any sense.
What on earth is going on?
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Post by me on Jul 31, 2007 23:46:05 GMT -5
Resting back on the palms of her hands, the grass soft and sweet smelling beneath her, she looked out across the horizon as the sun cast it's deep golden rays over the mountainside.This seems to jump all over the place, and perhaps its because you are trying to incorporate the description of the grass as an entirely separate idea, or at least it seems like you are because you separated it with a comma. Also the word back is redundant, you don't exactly rest forward do you? Well....maybe in some special circumstances, but usually its assumed that when you rest you lean back. So I guess it would look more like Resting on the palm of her hands in the soft, sweet smelling grass beneath her...Swaying her feet lazilly, Not quite sure what this is trying to say. Perhaps you could explain it to me. she sighed as she felt the air cooling around her and saw the sky loosing its pink and purple hues.There should be a comma before and...compound sentence and all. Tilting her head up, the first stars were breaking out against the now indigo sky.Something seems to be missing here. Perhaps the words she saw could help this sentence greatly. Having dinner, saying goodbye to friends, maybe even kissing parents goodnight. This sentence doesn't present a complete idea, perhaps adding it to the sentence before it since it is nothing more then a list of what normal people might be doing. Heart now laden with dreary thoughts, the events of the past night snapped at her, hoping for a chance to regain conciousness. I'm not entirely sure that the first comma is necessary...you'd have to ask Uesugi about that... And the last phrase seems a little odd. Perhaps changing the wording a little could make it easier to understand. Images better left forgotten stirred and thretend to reawaken. Shaking her head in an attempt to drown them out, she cleared her head and continued up the slope, intent on finishing this next phase in her quest. Threatened is spelled wrong. And after the first phrase in the second sentence, the words she cleared her head seem unneeded because she just shook her head in an attempt drown those same images out. Nice to see that you will be writing a longer story Good description to. Looking forward to more Oh wait i tried posting this once already, but it got deleted on accident. it's going to be longer, i just have to figure out what im goign to do with itCapitalize the I's and its spelled going...you missed that the second time =_= Swaying her feet lazillyLazily She smilled, and picked herself up. Smiled hoping for a chance to regain conciousness. Consciousness
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etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Post by etherealshadow on Jul 31, 2007 23:51:25 GMT -5
darn. i was sure i had gotten those spelling errors. ok, am goign back over it
mkay, hows that?
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Post by Uesugi on Aug 1, 2007 0:17:41 GMT -5
the soft sweet smelling grass beneath her Sweet-smelling. And, if using more than two adjectives to describe something, separate the by a comma. she sighed as the air coolled around Cooled the sky loost its pink Lost Images better left forgotten stirred and thretened to reawaken Threatened
Okay, here are my thoughts (as an aside: dang! I need to get on earlier!): With the second paragraph you start something that could be finished quite well. The entire thought seems unfinished. You start something that could be readily explored. This character feels she is an exile: why not elaborate on that there. What makes those people normal? What prohibits her from these so-called normalities? The third paragraph could also be expanded. We are left with curiosity as to what has happened these past few days that would make her want to forget. Well, why not give us a hint? Why not lead our minds somewhere? If you can't tell us now, you can definitely drop a hint or two.
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Post by me on Aug 1, 2007 0:26:23 GMT -5
Because this is suppose to be continued...I think...
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etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Post by etherealshadow on Aug 1, 2007 1:04:11 GMT -5
mhm, is to be continued.
I'll work out the story and then drop some hints. i was plannign on flipping back to that night maybe later on
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Post by me on Aug 1, 2007 1:05:17 GMT -5
Ok...looking forward to it
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etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Post by etherealshadow on Aug 1, 2007 1:24:39 GMT -5
ive only written a long story once. well, finished once. and i started over about 5 times after it was done because it bugged me.
but im happy! a new story sounds like so much fun!
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Mr. Bubbles
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A Moderator was here.
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Post by Mr. Bubbles on Aug 1, 2007 1:48:30 GMT -5
I like it.
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etherealshadow
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the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Post by etherealshadow on Aug 1, 2007 22:54:40 GMT -5
i just, well, completly re-did it.
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Post by Uesugi on Aug 2, 2007 0:32:57 GMT -5
since she was out her in nothing Here T-shirt and jeans- she froze A comma would work better than the hyphen, methinks. as she felt someones eyes on her Someone's Trying to make her gate apear Gait appear was harded than she expected. Harder the occasional crickets song Cricket's or crickets' She was a tad more then relieved when than still snd empty. And a squirell moving through Squirrel Her assaillants grip weakend and she Assailant's grip weakened The color coding didnt exactly Didn't When the thing finnaly ceased Finally feeling it's hands on Its so as sleep was eluding her she rolled over and looked up at her ceiling. if you drop the so, this could almost be a new sentence.
Good, a much, much stronger opening than before. A few spelling errors, but nothing too big. You could probably combine a few paragraphs, add a bit of description here or there, but, for the most part, an entirely different and better start.
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etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Post by etherealshadow on Aug 2, 2007 1:22:32 GMT -5
*smiles* yes, it is different. this was part of the origional picture that went through my head. *sigh* it will probably be a long while before I have no spelling errors
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etherealshadow
Rookie
the impossible is often whats never been tried
Posts: 75
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Post by etherealshadow on Aug 2, 2007 3:35:58 GMT -5
"Kara, are you ok?"
"Yeah, did you get any sleep last night?"
"Hm?" Kara brought her attention back from the pebbles in the cement, and up to the concerned faces of Amber and Lizzie.
What are they just standing there for? Did something-
She shivered slightly at the thought of her friends seeing the Thing. There's no way that could have happened! She must have just... dreamed it. That must be what it was. Gingerly, she touched her shoulder, half afraid what she would find. She sighed, the scratches definitely hadn't been dreamed. She felt very distinct punctures and scratch marks. Luckily, the scratches weren't very deep and probably would not scar, but the puncture wounds were scabbed over and had bleed last night. Her hair was still pretty long, and the dark coloring should...
"...ven listening?"
"I'm sorry, what?"
The two looked at each other, communicating silently. Nodding, they both grabbed one of Kara's arms and led her to sit on the curb across from the school. It was still fairly early so not many people were there yet. Those just arriving though, watched the three girls curiously.
Turning Kara toward her, Amber's face grew stern, her auburn eyebrows arching and bringing out her green eyes ever more dramatical. She placed one hand on Kara's forehead and Lizzie took her pulse. She struggled not to roll her eyes.
"You guys don't have to worry so much, ok? This isn't one of those times.. it hasn't happened in weeks... really, I'm ok. Promise." Impressing herself, she managed what she thought to be a very convincing smile.
"I'm completely fine."
"Are you sure?" Lizzie was never one to be convinced easily. Tucking a stray lock of purple hair behind her ear, she looked at Kara with slight amusement. "Your shirt's on both back wards and inside out, and your shoes don't match."
Really? Looking down, she saw that indeed, her green shirt was more faded then usuall, the seems showed and the tag was just about in her face. Her left shoe was pale pink and the other white, and she was so certain she had been conscious when she got dressed. Then again, she wasn't even sure she had fallen asleep.
"Well... I fell asleep late."
"But-"
"Kara!"
Finally she was saved. How long did it take someone to walk to school? It's not as though he could have gotten lost, the school was pretty hard to miss. Centered in the middle of the neighborhood, the High School became the center of most peoples attention. Football games, PTA matings, basketball, and whatever else the faceless herd did after school, most everyone went crazy for it. She was sure Jaden's parents had taken the private tour at least four times when they moved here.
Breathing heavily, he stopped in front of her.
"Are you-"
The bell sounded with it's usually jarring blare. Two years and it still got to her.
"-ok?"
Slapping her hands on her thighs and raising up, Lizzie grabbed her bag and twisted her skirt straight.
"Well, we've go to get to class. So," puting a hand on Jadens shoulder, she winked and smiled, "I'm putting Kara's safety in your hands."
Amber joined her and put her hand on his other shoulder, the same stern look on her face, though it would be impossible to mistake the twinkle in her eye
"As do I, and mind you if she drops dead we shall beat you 'till you join her."
"Bye!" Lizzie grabbed Ambers arm, and the both blew kisses and waved, laughing off to class. Kara watched them go and shook her head, smiling. The four of them were a little too close sometimes.
"So," Jaden held out his hand, and helped her up. They started to walk to class, and for a moment she thought he was going to pretend to forget.
"Are you going to tell me what happened, or do I have to beat it out of you?"
"Nothing. I just couldn't-"
"Sleep?"
she smiled "Yeah."
"I believe you," she raised an eyebrow
"but what happened?"
People streamed around them, going to class or finding a place to hide out and not get caught. She glanced at her best friend of three years. Though they had known each other since third grade, she was closer to Jaden than to Amber or Lizzie. He raised an eyebrow.
"Alright."
She spilled everything- from what she felt when she woke up to the film strip thought. As she told him about the wings and how it felt like claws, his eyes darkened and fury seemed to intoxicate the air. For an instant, hardly less then a second, she could swear she saw his iris's go up in flames.
Reeling back slightly, she looked down and fiddled with a backpack strap.
"I thought it was probably my imagination, but I still have these."
She pulled aside her long black hair and dragged her shirt down to show off her shoulder. Looking back into his aquamarine eyes, venom seemed to be more prominent then ever. Again came that flash of flame.
"I-"
Shaking his head, he smiled. "Don't worry about it so much. It was probably just a bird. I got to go to class, ok? Bye." he waved and was lost in the sea of people.
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Post by Uesugi on Aug 2, 2007 11:48:26 GMT -5
"Your shirts on both back wards shirt's Really? Looking down, she saw that indeed, Should Really? be in quotes? She was sure Jadens Jaden's she raised an eyebrow Perhaps: he raised an eyebrow "but what happened." Question mark, not period. She spilled everything. From what she felt when she woke up to the film strip thought. You'll want a colon instead of a period after everything. more then she could ever remember seeing. Than... though this phrase itself seems a bit awkward, though I can't think of how to fix it... lost in the seas of people Sea Very good. Few errors, unless I'm just too tired to tell the difference. The story seems to be progressing quite well, and a few things may have been foreshadowed in this update... And I think that is all I have to say... Can't wait until the next one.
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Post by xemomanicx on Aug 2, 2007 18:12:20 GMT -5
well, im no author or anything, but aside from the few spelling and grammar errors this story has a great idea behind, i cant wait to see where else you dicide to take it
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